


Waves

by Solnyshko_UK



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Olympics, Alternate Universe - Swimming, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Diving, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Lack of Communication, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:48:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 32,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26010667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solnyshko_UK/pseuds/Solnyshko_UK
Summary: 13 years ago their lives took different paths. They hadn’t seen each other since.Until the Olympic Games in Beijing brought them together again, with too many things unsaid.At 27, it was the third time Victor was taking part in the Olympic Games, his role as captain of the National swimming team assuring his participation.Except, this time he had tried to get out.Because Victor had known for sure that this time on the diving team-“Here they come,” Chris murmured, lips on his coffee cup, curious green eyes towards the approaching group of people.Victor’s jaw clenched in an even stronger spasm.
Relationships: Christophe Giacometti & Victor Nikiforov, Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Phichit Chulanont & Katsuki Yuuri, Phichit Chulanont/Christophe Giacometti
Comments: 250
Kudos: 205





	1. Prologue - roller

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roller (noun): a large strong wave that rolls towards the land

(Alan Walker - Faded)

_ You were the shadow to my light _ _  
Did you see us  
_ _ Another start  
_ _ You fade away _

  


  


St Petersburg - 1992

  


Victor ran as fast as he could along the pavement after waving quickly towards the car he just left, his mum waving back. She shouted out of the car window some last-minute recommendation, but he wasn’t paying attention, mind already to the swimming pool’s door fast approaching.

It was the highlight of his day and not entirely for the sake of swimming alone.

Breath already heavy for the brief but intense exertion, he made the fastest clothes change possible, putting his belongings in his locker and adjusting the elastic band of his swimming brief. He couldn’t help it but look at himself in the mirror in the toilets before leaving for the showers, checking if everything was in order: his body, as a healthy and sportive 11 years old, was lean but muscular, his skin pale and soft, not yet touched by the signs of adolescence. The piercing blue eyes scanned everything, concentrating on the black brief adhering to his body, turning around to check from each point of view. 

Satisfied, Victor left his swimming cap, goggles and towel on the side and went under the shower, paying attention to keep his hair dry while doing it. He wasn’t precisely thorough in his job, and he knew it was against the rules. Victor should have washed everything before going to the pool, but he knew his hair looked particularly good today and he wanted to be sure it was going to be seen.

His hair was honestly his best feature, along with eyes of an impossible blue colour, with at least two different shades in it. 

Threading his fingers nervously in the soft, long silver hair which reached under his shoulder blades, he retrieved the towel. Finally, he left for the swimming pool, murmuring in a low voice some curse about how the flip flops they had to wear were making him walk not as graciously as he wanted.

As usual, it didn’t seem to matter at all: nearly every eye in the swimming pool was dragged to him as soon as he made his entrance, looking like everyone was just lingering around while waiting for him to arrive.

“Hey, Victor!”

“Hi, Victor, nice to see you.”

“Victor **~.** ”

He answered to each and any call, shooting one of his charming smiles, always polite. While responding, his eyes kept scanning the place, until he finally saw the familiar body already fending the water. His heart flipped briefly in his chest, cheeks becoming slightly pink, and Victor turned his face towards the floor-to-ceiling windows of the swimming pool to regain composure. Victor knew better than this, he has always been a private child, and he wasn’t keen to give away something so dear to his heart to anybody so easily.

By the time he reached the benches to leave his towel, the other figure in the water was back to the pool’s wall, panting lightly, hands hanging on the handle of the starting block. Victor, still holding the swimming cap and his goggles in his right hand but now free from the flip flops, closed the brief distance to the border and crouched. After a few seconds, probably realising somebody was now really close, the figure raised his head, meeting Victor’s eyes. A genuine smile spread on the figure’s face, and one hand went to remove the goggles, revealing big, brown eyes with golden sparks dancing like fireflies, cheeks slightly darker than a few seconds ago.

“Oh, Victoru, hello!”

The soft voice and the cute way he always pronounced his name, adding extra syllables in a way that inevitably came from his family’s origins, made Victor beam, mouth turning in a heart-shaped smile much wider than before.

“Hello Yuuri, how are you today?”

They indulged in some small talk, like every day. Yuuri’s family was from Japan, but he was born in Russia, where they had moved a long time ago. He was three years younger than Victor, just 8, but his willingness to always do his best and his stubbornness had been noticed by the professional swimming team nearly one year prior. Therefore, Yuuri was the youngest member of the group of children trained to become Russia’s future hope in international competitions. The training was intense and ruthless, but Yuuri had never complained, working more than anybody else to close the age gap instead.

Victor couldn’t help but notice some dark shadows under the other boys’ eyes, and he squeezed his in return, pondering.

“Yuuri **~.** Are you all right?”

Victor couldn’t help but cock his head on one side while talking, knowing perfectly well how his hair was going to move and catch some of the intense lights of the swimming pool. Yuuri’s eyes widened slightly, breath hitching for just one second. But Victor never heard the answer, if there was ever going to be one because the barking voice of their Coach broke the moment.

“Nikiforov! Katsuki! If you have the breath to chat, then you’re not working hard enough.”

Yuuri nearly jumped while in the water, fidgeting with the goggles to put them back on, shouting a squeaky “Hai!” before pushing with his feet on the wall to start swimming again.

Victor sighed and decided it was time to cover his hair with the swimming cap and not make Coach Feltsman angrier than he usually was.

__________________________

  


St Petersburg - 1995

  


Yuuri couldn’t stop glancing to the other side of the pool every time he had the chance to stop swimming, even just to catch a breath.

They had a much smaller area of water to swim today, something that had made Coach Feltsman’s mood even worse than usual. Because of planned work on the swimming pool, some training had to move from their usual schedule, so for the first time the swimming team, which was usually the spearhead of the Russian water sports, had to share the water with the diving team.

Yuuri had seen the platforms on the side of the pool every day for years, but he had never paid attention to them. But now that athletes were using them, Yuuri was unable to look away.

He was utterly fascinated by the bodies jumping from the solid platform, falling freely towards the water writhing in complex movements before hitting the liquid surface, sometimes without even a splash.

“Are you all right, Yuuri?”

The voice behind his shoulders startled him, some sort of guilt gathering in his gut. He turned to Victor and his puzzled look partly hidden by the dark lenses of the goggles, and Yuuri put a small smile on his lips.

“Yeah, I’m just tired, I think.”

Which was true, he was, but not just because of the intense training of the day.

Yuuri had always loved to swim. Feeling the water around his body, lighter, not clumsy as he was on the ground. He always felt more confident in the water, his limbs releasing some sort of hidden power that made him fast and graceful. He especially loved when he had the chance to go fully underwater, all the sounds from outside fading away. If he closed his eyes, he could pretend to be anywhere: a secret world, his Atlantis, and lose himself, far away from the monsters inside his head.

But while growing, the time to indulge became less and less, the training merciless. Yuuri knew the time to make a good swimmer a champion was just so long, and Russia was a very competitive country which always wanted to win wherever there was a competition.

Yuuri’s passion for swimming had faded like the sounds underwater, movements now habits and not pleasure. He couldn’t help but give another glance towards the platforms.

“Isn’t it amazing? I wonder how it feels to fall like that towards the water.”

He only talked because it was Victor there listening. He wouldn’t have dared with anyone else, and that was another thing an athlete in Russia had to learn immediately: never show weakness. The competition was fierce and the spots in the light not enough for everyone. Yuuri, with the monster in his head, was painfully aware of how careful he had to be. But Victor was different. He had never considered Yuuri an opponent, but something as close as a friend instead, and was very protective towards him. 

Victor, however, after a disinterested look towards the other team, shrugged his shoulders.

“I guess. I prefer the feeling of the water around my body constantly.”

He flashed a smile towards Yuuri, a quick squeeze to his shoulder with a dripping hand, and then left for the next set of laps.

Yuuri followed him with his eyes and a longing, soft sigh. 

At 14, Victor was tall, his body fully developing: broad shoulders, thin waist, long and powerful legs. He was the most popular boy in the swimming pool, not surprisingly. There wasn’t a single girl who wasn’t trying to be noticed by him and, Yuuri suspected, quite a few boys as well. 

Yuuri soaked his heating face partly under the water, stopping just under his eyes.

Victor had been his friend for years now. Well, maybe friend was a big word. They saw each other every day in the swimming pool for hours, but they had never met outside. He was sure Victor mentioned once which school he was attending, but Yuuri couldn’t remember for the sake of himself and was way too self-conscious to ask again. Yuuri had been cautious in hiding his feelings for the other boy: Victor’s attention blessed him. He didn’t want to ruin everything with unwanted declarations of feelings that surely weren’t reciprocated. How could it possibly be? Victor could have had anyone. He was… well, he was Victor. How on earth could a dime-a-dozen boy like Yuuri have a chance?

Yuuri glanced again towards the platforms: he knew he was dragging too long, and soon Coach would yell at him.

Fixing his goggles and leaving the wall once again for another leap, he couldn’t help but admit to himself that the only reason he was still swimming was to see Victor every day.

__________________________

  


“Mum.”

Hiroko Katsuki raised her head from the pot boiling on the hob to look at her son. Even with that single word, she knew something was bothering Yuuri. She encouraged him with a sweet smile.

“Mum, do you think I could…” 

Another hesitation. Yuuri wasn’t looking at her. His focus was on the surface of the table, where he was finishing his homework. 

She waited, patiently, for him to gather his thoughts and talk again.

“I think I would like to try a lesson on diving.”

__________________________

  


It had been exhilarating. And scary. 

Yuuri couldn’t go straight for the higher platforms, of course, or he would probably die that same day, but he had been able to try something from the bouncing 1-meter platform and, in the end, he had had the chance to jump once from the 3 meters. He had stared a long time from the edge of the platform, heart pounding hard and on the verge of a panic attack, and he was going to give up and admit defeat when another boy had reached out to him, grasping his hand. The boy’s dark eyes were full of laughter, lean body with tanned skin already pulling him. He had dragged him to the back of the platform.

“Now run. Don’t stop, just run. And once you’re in the air, just remember to keep your body straight and your arms close”.

The boy - Phichit - had held his hand until the very last moment, releasing a loud scream full of joy and Yuuri’s hand at the same time while jumping over the edge. The impact with the water had been hard, but not painful, and Yuuri’s eyes had been glistening when he lifted his body from the water.

The Coach, Celestino Cialdini, had had an amused look.

“You have potential, kid.”

That same evening, Yuuri told his family he wanted to leave the swimming team for the diving one.

Always supportive, they were just happy for him. Hiroko told him she was going to call Coach Feltsman after dinner. Coach Cialdini had already said Yuuri was welcome to come to training the day after.

Yuuri felt light and free for the first time in a long time. 

Later, in his room, he couldn’t help but feel the pull of guilt thinking of Victor.

Maybe he should try to find him and talk to him? Explain? Everything had been so sudden. He didn’t even have the chance to speak to the other boy about what was in his mind. Their schedules were way too strict for them to indulge in chatting.

But again, maybe Victor wouldn’t even spare a thought at why Yuuri wasn’t coming anymore? They were close, but they had never spent time together outside of the swimming pool, so it was not like they knew a lot about each other. And he was Victor, after all, and Yuuri was only Yuuri.

Yawning, Yuuri resolved to think about it another day. He was sure it was going to be fine anyway.

__________________________

  


Victor hadn’t been able to think about anything else for days now.

It had been one week, and Yuuri still wasn’t back to the swimming pool. Was he ill?

Not for the first time, he cursed himself for never asking for the other boy’s phone number. It always seemed not necessary, they saw each other every day after all, and Yuuri had never missed training.

Stepping in the swimming pool, he ignored all the greetings to scan the place. Yuuri was nowhere to be seen.

His nerves were on the verge: he had restrained himself from asking so far to avoid suspicion, but he had to know now. He had to.

“Coach?”

Yakov Feltsman raised his eyes from the paper he was reading.

“Coach, do you know why Yuu…Katsuki is missing training?”

He tried his best to sound unfazed and careless, just a routine question about a fellow competitor. If Yakov told him Yuuri was unwell, he might have a chance to ask for his address, or phone number, and maybe he could-

“Katsuki is not in our team anymore.”

Victor blinked once, twice. He was sure he had misunderstood.

“What…?”

Yakov’s mouth twisted in a sour line, his arms coming to cross on his chest. His voice, when he spoke again, was vibrating with contempt.

“He left for the diving team.”

Victor’s world came to a screeching halt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome!!!  
> I'm so excited you're here reading this first story of mine. I hope you're going to enjoy it as much as I did writing it.  
> English is my second language, so it was definitely an adventure to challenge myself with such an intense task, but I'm happy I've done it.
> 
> I have some people to thank, so bear with me for a minute, please.
> 
> [EmHunter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmHunter/pseuds/EmHunter) and [Linisen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linisen/pseuds/Linisen), you were the first telling me to have a go and write this idea of mine by myself. Without your very first support, Waves wouldn't be here. 
> 
> My fantastic cheerleaders: [EmHunter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmHunter/pseuds/EmHunter), [Lisettola](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisettola/pseuds/Lisettola), [SomePerson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomePerson/pseuds/SomePerson) and [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for their unconditional support and the time they have given me to read the chapters and give me their insights.  
> And Bunny, for reading this Prologue even though she was on reading hiatus.
> 
> Last but not least, [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter.
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Sunday.


	2. Undercurrent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Undercurrent (noun): a current that moves below the surface or below another current in the sea or a river

(Justin Timberlake - Cry Me a River)

 _You were my sun, you were my earth  
_ _But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no  
_ _So you took a chance, made other plans  
_ _But I bet you didn't think that they would come crashing down, no_

  
  


Thursday, August 7, 2008

Sheremetyevo International Airport 

2.30 pm

  
  


Victor left out a small sigh. Today it wasn’t acceptable to isolate himself with his earbuds and the music like he was used to doing every time he had to spend time at the airport, so he was forced to listen to the many small conversations happening around him. It wasn’t like Victor wasn’t friendly, quite the opposite to be fair. Still, so much attention was on him - open and inviting eyes here, subtle and shy looks there, smiles and clear body language all around - and he was struggling to keep the facade. Which was unusual, but again, the whole situation was probing, and it was likely going to worsen very soon.

He felt the start of a very unpleasant twitch at the angle of his right eye, but luckily the same eye caught the sudden movement on his side when a cup of coffee made his appearance, along with a hand offering it to him.

“You look like you need something even stronger than this, chéri”, a soft voice said, in an unmistakable amused tone.

Victor snorted, mumbling thanks and grabbing the cup, gratefully sipping the hot beverage: the quality was barely average, but it would do for now.

“How many times do you have to listen to or look at people hitting on you before it’s considered socially acceptable to roll your eyes openly?” Victor asked, his long fingers moving the bangs of silver hair from his forehead. The soft locks came back covering nearly completely his left eye as soon as the hand moved further into the shorter hair on the back of his head.

That gesture alone stirred up a whole concert of little shrieks and gasps around him, and Victor sighed again.

“We’re not nearly close enough”, his best friend and teammate answered, chuckling.

Victor gave him an annoyed look, which was utterly lost as the other man remained unfazed, a hand scrolling through the blond curls and resting for a moment on the short, darker locks that adorned the sides and the back of his head, completely at ease.

More sighs around them and then his friend blinked shamelessly, green eyes playfully seductive, causing small shrieks and a lot of gasps and soft calling in their direction. 

Victor sighed again.

Chris was right, of course. It was just the beginning. 

They had been at the airport for nearly two hours, luggage left upon arrival and now waiting at the gate for the remaining people they were going to travel with. The buzz around them was tangible, and it was nearly impossible not to feel the energy, the excitement: they were leaving for Beijing, for the Olympic Games, and Victor had to admit he wasn’t immune. Just not as excited as he would have been if-

He shook his head emphatically and sipped again from his cup.

“Victor…”, Chris started, obviously having caught sight of the other man’s gesture.

“We’re not going to have this conversation again.” Victor cut short, his eyes scanning around him. Chris relented with a sigh.

They were travelling with the synchronised swimming team - which was the primary source of the shrieks and gasps, even if not the only one - and both the water polo and the diving teams. The Russian Federation was always very efficient, and its arrangements often included members of teams with similar characteristics travelling together. They were also going to share the same area in the Olympic Village and all the transport to the Water Cube, the familiar name used for the Beijing National Aquatics Centre.

They were just waiting for the diving team to arrive, and that was the reason for Victor’s restlessness.

Taking part in the Olympic Games was a real honour, something that in an athlete’s life could happen only a handful of times, given they took place every four years. At 27, it was the third time Victor was taking part, his role as captain of the National swimming team assuring his participation. 

Except, this time, he had tried to get out.

The Federation had dismissed it entirely, and Yakov had yelled at him for days just because he had tried to suggest the idea in the first place.

Victor felt his jaw tighten again, something that had become annoyingly frequent in the past two months. He knew, of course, that it had been stupid even to think about getting out: rationally, it didn’t make any sense at all, and he was quite disappointed with himself for not being able to avoid such a childish reaction. But a lot of his behaviour, lately, didn’t make any sense and was the source of barely concealed curiosity for everyone except Chris. His best friend knew perfectly well what was on Victor’s mind since the final composition of the teams had been made public. Since Victor had known for sure that this time on the diving team-

“Here they come.”, Chris murmured, lips on his coffee cup, curious green eyes towards the approaching group of people.

Victor’s jaw clenched in an even stronger spasm.

__________________________

  
  


Yuuri was struggling.

It wasn’t something new for him, quite the opposite, but this time it seemed worse than usual, his brain functioning at the bare minimum. The whole situation was overwhelming, and he felt like he was on the verge of drowning any second.

Yuuri was 24, and this was his first time at the Olympic Games.

It wasn’t because he wasn’t good. He was, indeed, very good, but the anxiety had often taken control of him during competitions, and his results had been inconsistent at best for years. However, in the past three seasons, he had been able to keep himself together, to focus and keep the anxiety at bay. He had been to therapy, and he took some medication cleared by the Olympic Committee that had helped him during the worse episodes. He had worked incredibly hard on himself, and he was very proud of his improvements in keeping the anxiety in control, his self-confidence greatly improved.

Therefore he was finally here, a member of the Russian diving team travelling to Beijing to make Mother Russia proud.

And that alone would have been enough to make him struggle in normal conditions if his self-control weren’t much stronger now, but it wasn’t the reason for his panic.

Yuuri heard, before seeing, his teammates at the front of their group starting to greet other people, sometimes loudly and cheery, others more politely, depending on who they were greeting and if they knew each other already.

He squeezed his eyes for a couple of seconds, trying to steady his breathing.

Phichit on his side was already talking to him excitedly, listing names of athletes of different disciplines as soon as he recognised them, while they were eventually approaching the larger group of Russians already at the gate.

Yuuri inhaled, his eyes fixed to the floor in front of him like he was worried about tripping over and falling. He had to put his glasses back in place, as the sweat was making them sliding on his nose. One hand clenched the bag on his shoulder; the other nervously ran through his soft, messy black hair.

‘You can do this,’ he kept saying to himself in the storm of his mind. ‘You can do this. You have had months to be ready, to make peace with the idea, you can do this, you can-’

“Oh my gosh, there they are!” Phichit nearly squeaked, remarkably maintaining a reasonable tone of voice while pulling Yuuri’s jacket frantically and startling him. “Nikiforov and Giacometti!”

Yuuri’s heart flipped in his chest, and before he could think properly, his eyes were already looking in the direction Phichit was staring.

And sure as hell, there he was.

For a moment, Yuuri’s mind just curiously wondered how his knees were still standing and hadn’t given up completely. But that was a good thing, wasn’t it? He seriously didn’t want to cause a commotion by dropping on the floor like a boneless creature.  
Then all the focus turned back to mere survival, eyes blinking, heart beating furiously, lungs breathing shakingly.

It had been thirteen years since that fateful day in which Yuuri had turned his shoulders to a fading passion for embracing a bigger, lively one. Thirteen years without finding the courage to contact Victor to give him an explanation. At first, he had believed that it was not significant, that Victor did not care. But later, he had met a former teammate by chance and had enquired about how things were going as casually as possible. 

( _“Really, nobody has figured out yet what happened to him, but he seems a completely different person [...] Ah yes, it started right after you left...”_ )

After that, Yuuri had been too ashamed. The sense of guilt for too much time spent in silence was crushing on him. And the mere thought of trying to contact Victor made him shake from the core with anxiety.

But Yuuri had never forgotten. Not for one day.

He had followed Victor’s career religiously, something very close to an obsession. 

Yuuri had always felt uncomfortable thinking about how he had left the swimming team so many years ago, especially Victor. Victor and his kindness. Victor, who always looked out for him, protected him, helped him. Victor and his heart-shaped smiles.

Heart-shaped smiles which were nowhere to be seen when the first articles about him started to appear on the sports magazines. Nor were those smiles visible afterwards, when more and more sponsors asked him to become a testimonial for many products.

Oh, Victor’s smiles were always charming, in every picture Yuuri had managed to obtain for his collection. But something inside him had always pulled in discomfort, remembering how different they were when they were swimming together.

Then again, they weren’t children anymore.

Which wasn’t a reason good enough, apparently, for avoiding a massive crush on his former teammate, a crush that had nothing to do with just admiring a swimming legend, and everything to do with something much, much deeper...

Phichit was still blabbering at his side, eyes shining: his best friend had been a fan of Christophe Giacometti for years, Yuuri had spent many days and nights listening to the other boy’s daydreams about the older swimmer. Giacometti had joined the swimming team one year after Yuuri had left, and he was a prominent member of the group, his breaststroke legendary. 

For the past few weeks, Phichit had literally only talked about what a glorious chance they were going to have, to spend time with their idols. Phichith had always assumed they were sharing similar kind of fanboy feeling, after seeing Yuuri’s obsession for anything related to Victor Nikiforov, and Yuuri had never corrected him, never told him the real story. It was just...too personal for him, and Phichit sometimes was just too loud, his grasp on social media too aggressive.

“Hi, I’m Chris.”

The voice was so close that Yuuri nearly jumped on the spot, coming back to reality. He hadn’t realised they had moved and were now in the middle of the greetings and the introductions.

Right in front of him, Christophe Giacometti was reaching out to Yuuri, a friendly smile on his lips.

“H-Hi, I’m Yuuri.”, he said, stuttering slightly, before shaking hands weakly with the older man.

Something sparked in Chris’s eyes, something Yuuri couldn’t quite understand. The other man kept his gaze on him for a few more seconds, considering, before smiling and turning to an ecstatic Phichit, who was nearly jumping on the balls of his feet.

Yuuri turned his eyes slightly on his left, still confused by Chris’s reaction, and his lungs stopped working.

The pictures never gave those eyes justice, but Yuuri knew it was impossible to catch their incredible shade, even for the best camera. By helplessly staring into them, now that the real things were in front of his panicked ones, Yuuri couldn’t help but notice they were still the same. 

And then he had to correct himself immediately.

No. 

They had never been so cold and distant before.

Yuuri squirmed in discomfort, breaking eye contact to take in Victor’s stiff body language, his clenched jaw, the hard line of his mouth. 

Victor, Yuuri understood in a heart-stopping moment, was standing in front of him as if he were very much hoping to be anywhere else.

The realisation hit hard, and Yuuri felt the urge to talk, to explain. 

So many times he’d thought about what he would have said to Victor if he had the chance to talk to him again, trying and trying in front of the mirror different speeches after the Olympic team formations had been confirmed. But his mind was now blank, completely wiped out by the sheer panic caused by Victor’s demeanour.

“Vi- Victor”, Yuuri started, trying his best to maintain a steady voice “Victor, I wanted to talk to you for so long, please, let me-”

But the other man cut him off straight after.

“Yuuri.”

The plain nothing in the voice froze Yuuri on the spot. An acknowledgement, a pure taking in his presence. A stiff, brief nod of his head in lieu of a greeting. And Victor was turning on his feet and leaving him, walking towards another group of people, a pleasant and friendly smile on his lips, hand reaching out to the new acquaintances. So very different from the greeting he’d given to Yuuri mere seconds ago.

Yuuri felt his body waving, and for a moment he wondered if, in the end, he was seriously going to drop on the floor. Then, a hand was on the blades of his shoulders, another firmly grabbing his arm, steadying him. Absent-mindedly, Yuuri turned his face and met Phichit’s eyes, so big and shocked that it was nearly comic. Yuuri could have laughed at his friend’s expression, honestly, if he weren’t feeling so hollow.

“What...Yuuri, what was that?”

Damn. Yuuri hadn’t realised Phichit had most likely seen everything. He was so sure his friend was still busy with Chris-

Chris who was looking at him now, something crossing his face too fast to be recognised. He turned to look at Victor, then again at Yuuri. After a few moments, he nodded in their direction, taking his leave and moved towards his teammate.

“Nothing. It was-”

But even to his ears, his voice was shaking. 

“Yuuri.”

Yuuri sighed: he knew Phichit too well and he was not going to let go. Yuuri gently pulled himself out of his friend’s grasp, adjusting his bag on his shoulder. He started breathing in and out slowly, eyes focused on his right thumb rhythmically tapping on the strap of the bag and counting in his mind following the same rhythm. It was an exercise which was part of his coping strategy for his anxiety. It took slightly longer than usual but eventually, Yuuri calmed down again.

At the gate, a friendly lady was opening the doors leading to the aeroplane, effectively starting the boarding procedures.

“It’s a long story, Pich. I’ll tell you about it during the flight.”

Maybe it was just because they had just met after all these years, Yuuri tried to convince himself, joining the queue. Perhaps it was just a first reaction.

But the memory of that cold gaze sent a horrible shiver down his spine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the story starts. :D  
> After a short brainstorming, I have decided to post twice per week instead of once. The story is ready, so there's no real need to wait for a whole week to post a new chapter.
> 
> This week the new chapter goes up on Thursday because yesterday I posted "Look Therapy" for Yuuri Week 2020, but from now on the fic will update on Wednesday and Sunday.  
> I hope you will like the idea :)
> 
> Thank you [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	3. Breaker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breaker (noun): a large wave that rolls over onto a beach.

(Katy Perri - E.T.)

 _You're so hypnotizing  
_ _Could you be the devil, could you be an angel_

After the umpteenth time Victor squirmed on the aeroplane seat next to Chris hitting his arm with his elbow, the blond man sighed and closed his book, turning slightly towards his friend with a pointed look. Victor glanced at him.

“What?”

It came out slightly harsher than Victor meant, but he really couldn’t help it. He was feeling on edge for hours now. They were still on the first leg of their journey to Beijing, the aeroplane buzzing monotonously in the background. Almost unconsciously, Victor's eyes moved again two rows in front of him on the other side of the aircraft, where a head of black, messy hair was turned on the internal side, face hidden. It was reasonably silent around Victor, so the soft, whispering sound of a conversation was audible, even if barely. The words were incomprehensible, given the distance. 

Realising he was once again staring, Victor turned his head, irritated, meeting a knowing eye.

“What?”

Victor asked again tight-lipped, forcing his voice to stay low: he definitely didn’t want to attract attention to himself. Chris coughed pointedly.

“I can’t help but notice you seem a little-,” a pause, one wrist rotating a couple of times, underlying Chris’s attempt to find the best word “-nervous," he settled on eventually. 

Victor snorted. He knew very well that Chris was not going to let go so quickly. Still, Victor _was_ nervous and mostly disappointed with himself. 

He wasn’t happy of how he’d handled the first meeting with Yuuri at the airport, not in the slightest. 

He’d prepared himself for weeks, aiming at being professional and mature, polite but unapproachable. Victor wasn’t going to show Yuuri how much it had hurt so many years ago, how he was still hurting all over again since he’d known they were going to see each other. And instead, he’d behaved like a child. Like the child Victor had been 13 years ago. He’d greeted other people after Yuuri way too enthusiastically because he’d _wanted_ to show the other man the difference in behaviour. 

So petty. Especially because he didn’t give a damn about those other people at all.

“I just hate to stay sitting for so long, as you should know very well,” is what Victor said, painfully aware it was a weak explanation. He turned away from his friend’s gaze and took a bottle of water as an excuse to stop talking, starting to sip from it. 

“Sure,” Chris answered, unimpressed, opening his book again. “Be careful, though: if you keep turning your head to one side, you will only end up with a stiff neck.”

Victor nearly choked on his water.  
  


_________________________________

Friday, August 8, 2008  
1.30 pm

  
  


Beijing was a beautiful, happy chaos of people coming from all over the world. The Olympic Games were always memorable, the only competition involving many different sports and countries at the same time, and the enthusiasm was tangible everywhere.

Yuuri couldn’t help but feel a smile keeping stretching his lips. There was cheering and shouting all around him, from Russian fans and also from competitors, people he didn’t know but felt connected to anyway by the simple fact of being there sharing the same experience. His usual shy self stayed put for those first moments, and he answered gladly to everyone with a loud voice and broad gestures of his arms. Next to him, Phichit was doing the same while recording everything with his GoPro. He had bought it specifically for the Olympic Games, thrilled with the idea of being able to stream events and behind the scenes with his massive amount of followers on social media.

The Russian Federation had been flawless as usual with their organisation, and soon enough they were all arriving at the Olympic Village, ready to finally have some rest after the long journey. It turned out the coaches had a very different idea, and Yuuri and the others listened in dismay to Celestino while he gave them about one hour to take a shower and settle down, before going to visit the Water Cube. Celestino dismissed them shortly after.

As soon as the door of the high-end apartment, which was going to be Yuuri and Phichit’s home for the next days, closed behind them, Phichit complained loudly.

“It’s early afternoon, and we’ve been travelling for hours and hours, and tonight there’s the Opening Ceremony,” he said, throwing himself on the bed of the first bedroom he found.

“We are going to the Cube tomorrow for training anyway, why can’t we just have some rest today?”

Yuuri went straight to the other room, next to the one Phichit was lying in now. He started opening his suitcase and pulling out his clothes and accessories, scanning the furniture and mentally organising everything. He was exhausted, but there was no point really in complaining.

“You know how things work with the Russian Federation,” Yuuri started, the conversation flowing smoothly between the open doors. He began to fill a drawer with clothes, resuming the conversation shortly after.

“Every minute spent doing nothing is a wasted one. The Federation surely wants us to familiarise with the swimming pool immediately. Do you want to take a shower while I finish here?” 

Phichit gave up with the complaints and, with a loud sigh, left the bed for the bathroom. 

Only when the noise of the running shower was softly audible from the closed-door next to the bedrooms, Yuuri sat on the floor with a folded t-shirt on his lap, shoulders stiff, and head bowed down. It was the first time he was utterly alone since they left Russia, and he needed this moment for himself. 

One hand left the t-shirt to go to his face, rubbing his forehead and then laying for a few seconds on his closed eyes, hand slightly lifting the glasses over the bridge of his nose. Victor’s eyes, cold and empty, immediately popped in front of him thanks to his treacherous mind and he snapped his eyes back open.

Yuuri had been unable to sleep during the whole journey to Beijing because of that image stuck in his head. He had told Phichit everything during the first leg, but there was only so much information he could give. His friend had commented it might be that Victor was still angry because of how Yuuri left the swimming team, but Yuuri refused the idea. 

It had been 13 years, and they hadn’t been _that_ close. 

How could it possibly be the reason? He had told Phichit so. 

But Victor was angry with Yuuri for some reason. That was unmistakable. And it hurt, it hurt more than Yuuri was keen to admit. He’d hoped-

The sound of running water stopped, and Yuuri scrambled on his feet again. He started filling drawers and hanging clothes in the wardrobe as fast as he could to make up for the long time lost in thoughts. He had decided to keep his feelings to himself and to give as few chances as possible of having to provide explanations of any sort. 

Yuuri let his mask slip back on his face when the bathroom’s door opened, and he went on to tell Phichit how excited he was to take part in the Opening Ceremony later in the evening.  
  


________________________________________________

Friday, August 8, 2008  
6 pm

  
  


“Yuuri!!! Are you sure you don’t want me to wait for you?”

Phichit’s voice came slightly muffled from the other side of the bathroom door while Yuuri was hastily finishing wiping his hair with a towel. 

Visiting the Water Cube hadn’t taken long. After that, Yuuri had collapsed on his bed as soon as they were back in the apartment. Phichit had lost track of time scrolling social media, and when Yuuri had woken up, he’d needed another shower. And that was the reason why he was now running late for dinner.

“Go, Phich! At least only one of us will be late. I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

Phichit seemed to agree with the suggestion because, after a few seconds, Yuuri heard the door of the apartment clicking shut after a rushed “Ok!” from his friend. 

After trying to style his hair as much as possible, pulling it back with some hair product, Yuuri rushed back to his room. Luckily, he had to wear the Team Russia official tracksuit, so it took only long enough to pull up the zip of the jacket after wearing it over a t-shirt and put his legs in the trousers for him to be ready, glasses on his nose.

The Russian athletes were going to have an early dinner at the restaurant in their area of the Village, with the Opening Ceremony starting at 8 pm. Yuuri knew he had to hurry if he wanted to have enough time to eat: he was starving after having only one sandwich for lunch.

After putting on his shoes and grabbing the key of the apartment and his phone - the first going straight in his pocket and the latter still in hand - Yuuri closed the door behind him. He checked it was locked correctly and then he walked fast towards the elevator. 

Pushing the button, Yuuri noticed the elevator was already on the move, coming from some floor above and going down. Perfect. 

While waiting, Yuuri turned on the screen of his phone to look at the time: he was ten minutes late, not too bad.

Yuuri was still looking at the screen when he heard the ping of the elevator, doors sliding open in front of him. He moved before thinking, gaze on the screen, stepping inside the elevator. Only then, a brief movement was caught on the side of his eye, and he realised somebody was already inside.

Yuuri turned up his eyes, ready to greet politely, and froze: right in front of him, back against the farthest wall and arms crossed on his chest, was Victor.

The doors of the elevator closed smoothly behind Yuuri’s back, and the cabin began going down again.

The silence stretched awkwardly. Victor moved his eyes toward the sidewall, everything in his posture stiff. Yuuri, still holding his phone in one hand with the knuckles white for the strength of the hold, looked down to the floor. 

He could _feel_ the cabin of the elevator too small around him, his breath hitching slightly. It seemed to him like time was stretching impossibly, the tension so thick, so thick-

Before Yuuri could even think about what he was doing, he pushed his hand out hard on the control panel, the heel of it hitting the stop button. The elevator jerked uncomfortably for one second and stopped. 

For a few seconds, the silence was broken only by Yuuri’s heavy breathing.

“Why?”

Yuuri was surprised to hear his voice. It was impressively steady, considering the situation.

Realising he was still looking at the floor, Yuuri lifted his eyes to look towards Victor, the other man now looking at him as well, eyes narrow, guarded.

“Why are you angry with me?”

If possible, Victor stiffened even more and deliberately moved his eyes again towards the sidewall.

“I am not.”

The absence of emotion in those simple three words was valid as a confirmation of the exact opposite.

Victor pushed himself away from the wall, moving towards the control panel, eyes fixed in front of him and avoiding Yuuri altogether. 

Once again, Yuuri’s brain couldn’t catch up with the rest of his body and it just inwardly screamed in horror when the free hand snapped up, intercepting Victor’s arm on its way to the buttons, grabbing his wrist. The other hand, still clutching the phone, moved onto the taller man’s opposite shoulder. 

Yuuri pushed forward and pinned Victor against the wall of the elevator with a loud thump, holding him in place under the pressure of Yuuri’s hands.

Everything inside Yuuri was screaming in alarm, the action so out of his behaviour that he wasn’t even able to register what he was doing. But too many emotions were storming inside him, and he let them take control.

“Don’t treat me like I’m stupid!” Yuuri nearly shouted, eyes fixed on Victor’s throat. 

Yuuri couldn’t look him in the eyes. 

He couldn’t risk seeing that cold and empty stare again. 

This was safe. Safer, at least, if Yuuri ignored the fact that he was pinning Victor against a wall in a blocked elevator. He felt a panic attack simmering inside him, slowly growing. 

“What… what have I done to you to deserve this?” 

Yuuri’s voice was coming out staggered now, his previous steadiness evaporated. He desperately focused on his breath, trying to count slowly in his mind, but it was so difficult. 

The fall into panic was temporarily stopped by a harsh movement of Victor’s wrist under his fingers. Yuuri, startled, backed up quickly, leaving the other man and moving backwards two full steps. He felt the first sting of tears in his eyes and fought with all he had to keep them at bay.

For a moment, Victor’s eyes looked troubled. 

But soon after, the cold glaze, the one Yuuri had tried hard to avoid, was back in place.

Yuuri had to avert his eyes, gasping as if Victor had physically hit him. His hands were shaking now, badly, and he could feel himself losing the battle, tears streaming down his cheeks.

The elevator started moving again. Soon afterwards, a soft ping broke the silence, and the doors slid open.

Yuuri turned to walk out on shaky legs, trying his best to show some dignity, eyes on the hall outside the elevator. He passed one arm, covered by the jacket, quickly on his eyes, moving the glasses, and on his cheeks, trying to dry the tears. 

But the fragile control lasted only for the first few steps: as soon as his feet touched the soft carpet, Yuuri gave up and ran away.

  
_____________________________________________

It took Victor all his strength to move. 

He felt like his knees were going to give up any moment under him, and Victor forced himself out of the elevator, in case someone else needed it. He chuckled awkwardly, wondering about his brain’s choice of what to focus on: was freeing the elevator the most crucial thing right now?

Once in the hall, Victor pushed his back against the closest wall, the space around him thankfully empty. He ran his fingers nervously through the silver bangs of his fringe, closing his eyes. 

Yuuri had caught him off guard. Victor had been purposely late for dinner precisely to avoid the chance of meeting him on his way to the restaurant. Instead, they had found each other alone, in the small space of the elevator. 

Victor’s brain had shut down, unable to elaborate any kind of reaction, except for saying that pathetic “I am not.” Even to his own ears, the tone of voice had been spiteful.

What was wrong with him? 

Why wasn’t he able to handle the situation in a better way? Victor was used to dealing with people with a polite and pleasant mask always in place, even with those he didn’t like particularly.

Why couldn’t he do the same with Yuuri? Why couldn’t he behave like an adult?

The image of Yuuri’s eyes, impossibly big and glittering in unshed tears behind the lenses of his glasses, was torturing him. Victor was ashamed, so ashamed: for a moment, in that elevator, he’d felt a sparkle of satisfaction looking at the other man hurting. 

And he was horrified by that thought. 

Releasing a shaky breath, Victor forced himself to regain composure. He was the captain of the Russian swimming team, the man who was going to hold the Russian flag during the Opening Ceremony. He had to control himself.

After a couple of minutes, Victor moved to walk towards the restaurant, one hand mindlessly massaging the wrist that still felt the ghost touch of fingers pressed around it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note about the Olympic Games.  
> I have carefully checked locations and timetables to make the story true to the real-life Beijing's OG, as well as some description of the Opening and Closing Ceremony, but that's all.  
> I didn't research extensively because it wasn't important for the story, so you won't find detailed descriptions anywhere. :)
> 
> I hope you will enjoy it anyway.
> 
> Thank you [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	4. Low water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Low water (noun): the time when the water in a river or the sea is at its lowest level

(Human - Christina Perri)

 _I can take so much  
_ _Until I've had enough_

 _Cause I'm only human  
_ _And I bleed when I fall down  
_ _I'm only human  
_ _And I crash and I break down  
_ _Your words in my head, knives in my heart_

Saturday, August 9, 2008  
1.30 am

  
  


“Are you all right?”

Phichit’s voice shook Yuuri from his thoughts. He was crouched in the armchair in front of the window, turned to face the outside. The soft nocturnal lights of the Olympic Village were the only source of light in the room. Yuuri couldn’t say for how long he’d been there, lost in his mind, but long enough that when he tried to move his legs, a grimace twisted his mouth at the feeling of stiff muscles.

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep.”

It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t the whole truth either, but Yuuri was sure Phichit knew it already. The soft sounds of bare feet approaching made Yuuri shift slightly on the armchair, to give his friend space to perch on the armrest. 

For a few long minutes, neither of them said a word, a comfortable silence like many others stretched between them. Phichit was a good friend and had learnt long ago that it was better to wait until Yuuri was ready to talk if he wanted to, instead of enquiring. Otherwise, just being there for him would have been enough.

At the restaurant at dinner, Phichit had sprinted out of his chair as soon as he’d seen Yuuri coming through the doors. Cheerfully declaring how much he _needed_ to go to the restroom, Phichit had intercepted Yuuri before he’d reached the table, locking an arm in his and dragging his friend with him. 

Phichit had helped Yuuri wash his face with cold water, cleaning the skin from the stains of dried tears. There wasn’t much they could do for the red, puffy eyes, but Phichit had soaked some paper towels with cold water and had put them on Yuuri’s eyes for a minute or two while caressing Yuuri's back in circular motions. 

Phichit had quickly realised, gratefully, that Yuuri was not shaking, and his breath was steady enough to reassure the younger boy that his friend wasn’t experiencing a panic attack. Yuuri hadn’t said anything apart for a soft thank you when they eventually had left the bathroom to go back to the table, and Phichit hadn’t asked either. 

Ultimately the answer had come by itself. Not long after, Victor had arrived at the restaurant, and Yuuri had gone stiff next to Phichit, staring at the table’s surface until the other man had sat down at another table with his teammates. 

If anybody else had noticed Yuuri’s demeanour or signs of his crying, then nobody had acknowledged it openly. Instead, the excitement and the cheerfulness around him had luckily distracted Yuuri, so he had been able to enjoy not just the dinner but especially the Opening Ceremony. 

Yuuri had jumped and cheered and sung with everyone else, having the time of his life.

But Phichit wasn’t Yuuri’s best friend for 13 years for nothing, and he had known very well that whatever had happened was going to bite back once the excitement had died down. 

So here they were, in the middle of the night, next to each other in an armchair watching the soft, colourful headlights outside painting the sky of the Chinese night.

“I’m ok, Phich,” Yuuri started in a soft voice. “I was just remembering.”

Once again, Phichit didn’t push. He turned his whole face towards Yuuri, in a way that showed how his attention was undoubtedly for his friend. After a couple of minutes in silence, Yuuri went on.

“I think I’ve always loved him. Even when I was too young to understand what exactly I was feeling.” Yuuri’s eyes were melancholy, the focus still on the window. 

“I knew so little about Victor, and at the same time, my whole world revolved around him. By the time I realised there were feelings involved, he was so beautiful, so popular-.“ A pause, eyebrows frowning. 

“I didn’t even know if he could ever...ever be interested in...you know? Boys.” Yuuri shrugged his shoulders slightly. “And anyway, surely not in me. I mean, how could he? I was just... me, nothing special, nothing…” Another pause. 

Phichit bit his tongue: he had lots to say about what Yuuri was rumbling about, but he knew better than this.

Yuuri, probably realising he was trailing off, shook his head slightly, a hand coming up to pass in front of his now-closed eyes, glasses absent.   
After a deep sigh, he started talking again, hand coming back to lay on top of the other on his lap, eyes now unfocused, lost in his memory. 

“Earlier, I met Victor in the elevator. It hasn’t gone- well.”

Phichit straightened his back slightly and remained silent, but he didn’t miss the hesitation in Yuuri’s voice. He was tempted to reach out to his friend, put a hand on his shoulder, show his support in any tangible way. But again, he knew better than this.

“I’m not even sure what happened. I asked him why he was angry with me. He said he was not.” A brief, bitter laugh followed, so forced that Phichit had to clench his jaw in reaction. “But everything, _everything_ in his actions and voice was screaming the exact opposite. I- I pinned him against the wall of the elevator-” 

And here Phichit’s eyebrows shot so high they seemed to disappear under his hairline, jaw slightly slack. Yuuri’s hands shot up to cover his face, voice coming out somewhat muffled.

“I was so angry, Phich. And- and hurt. I wanted to know. But-.” A sigh, hands falling back in the lap, shoulders and head bent downward, defeated. “His eyes. There was so much coldness, so much disdain.” 

Yuuri debated briefly with himself if it was worth mentioning that brief moment in which those beautiful eyes had also looked troubled. But Yuuri was sure by now he had only imagined that, so he relented. 

“Whatever the reason, I have to let go. That was my chance, and I’ve got my answer.”

“Yuuri-,” Phichit tried, but his friend was already shaking his head.

“No, Phichit. I can’t afford the distraction. It’s my first Olympic Games, and I have to prove I belong here. And I can’t do it if I let my emotions overwhelm me.” 

Yuuri’s voice was stronger now, and Phichit stifled any disagreement. He knew there was probably more that could be said and done, but not now. 

Phichit knew Yuuri was right, that he needed to focus. For years Yuuri had trained to keep his anxiety under control, he had put so much energy in it, sacrificed so much to be able to overcome his fears, his doubts and become what he was now. But the risk of relapse would always be present. His therapist had been crystal clear about it in order for Yuuri to be able not to chastise himself if it ever happened. 

But Yuuri was committed not to give it even a chance. 

For a brief moment, Phichit saw Yuuri’s eyes becoming so full of longing, pain and loss that it physically hurt him. And then harden in determination. 

With a stiff movement caused by the long time spent in the same position, Yuuri stood up.

“Let’s go to sleep. We have training tomorrow.”

____________________________________________

“Are you all right?”

From the sofa where he was sitting, Victor raised his eyes from the screen of his phone, thumb still scrolling absentmindedly. It was pretty obvious he hadn’t been very focused on whatever he was pretending to do.

“Why are you asking?” 

Victor knew his habit of answering questions with another question when he didn’t want to give straight answers was very annoying. But he also knew Chris was used to his antics for long enough to not fall into the trap. 

As to confirm his thoughts, his friend didn’t even blink. Chris was sitting on the armchair in front of the window, facing the room. One elbow was leaning on the armrest, the forearm raised to offer the hand in support of his tilted head. His green eyes were ogling Victor with a slightly amused look. His other hand was lazily rotating a glass of red wine.

The staring contest lasted a few more seconds, then Victor gave up and turned back to his screen as graciously as possible, pretending nonchalance. He knew he had failed when he heard Chris chuckling softly.

“Wasn’t it an amazing Opening Ceremony? All those colours and costumes and beautiful choreographies. I wonder how many people were involved,” Victor said after a couple of minutes, hoping to deflect the attention from the elephant in the room.

“15,000, more or less. Was your usual charming self too busy being spellbound? Is this the reason why there was no sign of him for nearly the whole evening?”

Victor knew Chris wasn’t going to let go, so he sighed and put down his phone in his lap. Striking blue eyes moved towards the window behind Chris: the lights in the room were on, so he could only see his own reflection and figure out a faint ray of soft orange light moving outside in the night.

“You mean I can’t be tired?”

“Victor.”

“Fine!” Victor snapped, throwing his arms to the ceiling before letting them fall again on his sides. “I did my absolute best to be late for dinner and avoid meeting Yuuri, and _of course_ I met him in the elevator. And it went horribly wrong.” 

The bitter inflexion of his voice was unmissable, but Victor couldn’t care less. He raised one hand, fingers moving through his bangs and keeping it in place close to his temple while releasing a tired and frustrated breath.

“I don’t know what’s going on, Chris. I can’t control myself in any way when I’m around him. First at the airport, now this. It’s like being a teenager all over again: do you remember how bitchy I was back then?”

“I have the dubious honour of remembering, yes.”

“Well, exactly like that.”

Chris remained silent, his eyes now pensive. The hand holding the glass stopped its rotating motion long enough to bring the wine to the man’s lips, allowing him to drink. 

Victor suddenly felt the need to drink as well, so he let his bangs fall back in front of his left eye and got up, walking barefoot towards the small kitchenette and pouring a glass of wine for himself. For a moment, he considered drinking it in one go and filling another one straight after, but he knew he would regret that decision in the morning. With a sigh, Victor took the glass of wine back to the sofa with him and let his body fall heavily to sit again.

“I was wondering why Katsuki’s eyes looked like tomatoes when he’d arrived at the restaurant,” Chris said in a very casual voice, in contrast to the attention of his gaze.

Victor tried to control his reaction, but he couldn’t avoid the jolt down his spine and the strengthening of his grip on the glass in his hand. 

“How ridiculous!” Chris snorted. “Victor, chéri, you’re refusing to face the reality of facts for months now. Years, maybe. The longer you deny it, the worse it will become. Don’t you think it’s time for you to admit you still have feelings for him?”

Victor jerked with a grimace. “Chris, no. I told you, it’s not like that. It has been-”

“-thirteen years,” Chris interjected, mocking Victor’s voice.

“And it’s not like I haven’t-”

“-had other lovers.”

“Exactly!” Victor snapped, lashing out his anger. 

He knew he was unfair. He was the one who had used those exact sentences over and over again, to justify his thoughts or to give himself some explanation for the storm raging inside of him.   
It was only predictable that Chris used them against him.   
But Victor was tired, it had been an incredibly stressful day, and he just couldn’t help himself.

“Then please, remind me,” Chris’s voice was soft, but Victor recognised a vein of steel that his friend usually used when he was about to inflict the coup de grace. “How many of these lovers did you love, chéri?”

Victor paled, then felt his cheeks burn the moment after. He couldn’t quite believe Chris had used such a low blow. 

The smirk on his friend’s face, however, told him that it had been intentional, and for good reasons. Chris had been Victor’s best friend for more than ten years, and he knew everything about him. Including how little involved Victor had been with his past partners, mainly hookups and some brief relationships that had lasted no more than a few months at best.

When it was clear Victor was not going to answer back, his mouth opening and closing a few times helplessly as words were failing him, Chris finished his wine and stood up. On his way to the kitchenette to leave the empty glass, he patted on Victor’s shoulder with what was undoubtedly a triumphant demeanour.

“Let’s go to sleep. We have training tomorrow.”

____________________________________________

  
  


Saturday, August 9, 2008  
6.30 am

Yuuri and Phichit joined the rest of their team for breakfast, the big room already buzzing with athletes chatting and eating. 

Upon arrival, Yuuri caught sight of a flash of silver hair in the line for the hot beverages. He felt his steps falter slightly and quickly recovered before Phichit could notice his hesitation. But instead of avoiding the rush of emotions that was strangling his guts, Yuuri inhaled slowly and focused on them, using one of the most successful techniques he had learnt to manage his anxiety. 

It wasn’t the ideal environment, too noisy and with too many distractions, but it had to do. 

Yuuri’s brain focused on the most practical tasks long enough to greet his teammates and to find a chair to sit on, words leaving his mouth inviting Phichit to go ahead and serve himself while he kept a chair for him. Then, pretending to focus on his phone, all the attention switched to the knot of emotions simmering in his guts.

Slowly but steadily, Yuuri started to detangle them. 

The guilt and the shame that had haunted him for years.  
The pang of longing he had felt every time he had seen Victor on a magazine or screen.  
The dull ache caused by his memories of the moments they had spent together in the swimming pool.   
How he had felt lost in front of those cold eyes.   
How the refusal to talk in the elevator had hurt. 

Yuuri took each of these emotions one at a time, embraced them and let them go. 

Eventually, only one remained, the one that had pulled at his heart minutes ago: the sense of loss at the idea of letting Victor go once and for all. 

Yuuri was still internally battling, his brain talking sense and his heart screaming in denial, when Phichit came back with his tray of food, signalling it was his turn to choose breakfast.

Yuuri lifted his eyes from the phone and stood up. For a moment, he felt frozen in time watching Victor now seated on the other side of the room, laughing at something. 

Then he moved to leave the table, his right hand lifting to caress his chest where his heart was still pleading, and he let go.

____________________________________________

  
  


Victor looked sideways towards the other side of the room where he was having breakfast.  
Again. 

He was being cautious, keeping his attention on the conversation at the table, laughing and talking when he had to, but he could at least be honest with himself.

Since the conversation with Chris the evening before, something was bothering Victor’s mind. He hadn’t slept very well, the echo of words floating in his mind.

_“Don’t you think it’s time for you to admit you still have feelings for him?”_

Yuuri looked collected that morning, but nobody around him seemed to find it strange, so maybe it was his normal behaviour. 

Not once had Yuuri looked towards him.   
Which was good, Victor kept telling himself, dropping his eye once again on his plate while choosing his next bite.   
It was good because that meant there was no risk for the bitchy part of Victor to wake up and react in some embarrassing way. 

Victor clenched his jaw. No, he could control himself. 

All he had to do was keeping his distance and focusing on training and competing, and everything was going to be just fine. It was nothing new for him. He had done it countless times-

Victor’s eyes lifted again under his long, silver eyelashes and found Yuuri walking to clean his tray after having finished his breakfast. His teammate - Chris had told Victor his name was Phichit - was walking next to him and talking about something and Yuuri’s mouth was bent in a soft smile. 

Victor could clearly picture in his mind how the golden sparks in Yuuri’s eyes were probably dancing slightly. He’d had plenty of time to imprint them into his brain when he’d looked into Yuuri’s wide, teary eyes the day before.

Victor stopped that train of thoughts abruptly and stood up to clean his tray.

_“Don’t you think it’s time for you to admit you still have feelings for him?”_

No, he told himself, while calling at Chris and their teammates to make their way to training.

No, now it was time to focus and win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	5. Backwash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Backwash (noun): the movement of waves as they leave the land

(Muse - Supermassive Black Hole)

 _Oh baby, don’t you know I suffer?  
_ _Oh baby, can you hear me moan?  
_ _…  
_ _How long before you let me go?  
_ _You set my soul alight_

  
  


Saturday, August 9, 2008  
10.30 am  
  


Yuuri was glad not to be able to see very far from him. Without his glasses, he really couldn’t make out any detail of what was surrounding him, except for Phichit, the platform and the water underneath him. And that was a real blessing because he was then able to focus only on the things that were really important during his jump.

He kept telling himself that while squinting uselessly towards the bigger swimming pool.

“Do you really think you will be able to see him just squinting hard enough?”

Phichit’s voice startled Yuuri, and the stifled chuckle following the sentence irritated him, so he moved forward and stopped right in front of the void. 

It was exciting being on the higher platform, feeling the danger in front of him even after all those years of practice.   
It wasn’t something to underestimate. 

There was always a chance of losing balance or making a wrong move during the jump or the fall and hitting the platform or the hard surface of the water with the body in the wrong position, easily breaking bones or dislocating joints.

Yuuri’d had a broken arm years ago, just because he’d been overconfident and had miscalculated an entire twist. It was a memory he was still carrying, and it was now making him mentally go through every single move he had to do every time he had to jump.

“It’s our turn,” Yuuri said, not giving his friend any satisfaction for the previous teasing.  
He waited for Phichit, now very serious, to come next to him. They bumped the sides of their fists together without exchanging a single glance, their good luck gesture.

They’d done this countless times, the routine well ingrained in their bodies. They didn’t need to look at each other nor to make any noise to act in sync. Yuuri’s mind wondered for a moment if Victor was watching.

They stood still, side by side, for seconds that felt like an eternity.

And then, as a single man, they slowly raised their arms to the ceiling balancing on their toes, kept the position for three heartbeats and jumped.  
  


____________________  
  
  


Victor put the goggles on top of his cap and pulled out the elastic band on the back of his head with his fingers, releasing it shortly after with a sharp snap, a gesture he’d started to do as soon as he’d started competing internationally. It was something that put him in the right mindset to win, to do his absolute best. 

Today though, during their last day of training before the real competitions started, the gesture was something done out of mere habit, and his focus was instead definitely pulled towards the platforms on the other end of the Water Cube.

The complex had two swimming pools: a standard one for swimming and synchronised swimming and a smaller, deeper one for diving. Water polo was the only aquatic sport which was going to take place in another location. 

Victor was resting on the farther side of the bigger pool, his eyes dragged like a magnet towards the higher platform, where two figures were taking position side by side. They were too far away to make out the details, but the black hair of one and the tanned skin of the other were enough for him. 

Victor had always refused to watch any of Yuuri’s previous competitions out of pure pride, and he had stubbornly refused to watch any of his jumps during the earlier days of training as well. 

But there had been something that had stirred in him a few minutes ago: glancing towards the platforms to take in Yuuri’s position - the only weakness he had conceded to himself - he had found the boy climbing the stairs towards the 10 m platform. Victor hadn’t recognised immediately what that emotion had been and it had puzzled him during the next few laps. He’d eventually given up, and he’d stopped where he was now.

And then it struck him: worry.   
He was worried.   
Which was absolutely insane, considering Yuuri had probably done jumps from up there thousands of times. 

Then again, this time, Victor had taken notice of what was happening, and it was, therefore, the first time he was going to witness Yuuri diving. He just wasn’t able to take his eyes off the platform. Or him.

After a few seconds spent completely still, balancing in front of the void, the two figures raised their arms slowly in sync towards the ceiling and jumped. 

Victor’s breath stopped. 

It resumed only when the two figures reemerged, shortly after hitting the water graciously.

____________________

  
  


Monday, August 11, 2008   
6.30 am  
  


On the morning of Yuuri’s 10 mt platform synchronised competition and Victor’s 200 mt freestyle semifinal, the former was trying to decide what to have for breakfast, tray in his hands and stomach clenched in anxiety when the voice he least expected to hear addressed him from very close.

“Yuuri?”

He blinked a couple of times, as if unsure he really heard it or if it was just his brain playing tricks to him. Then he turned around, slowly, and stared back at impossibly blue eyes.   
Victor was standing right next to him, a tray in his hands, expression serious.  
It was far from warm but not hostile either. If Yuuri had to choose a word to define it, he’d probably go for careful.

“Uh…”

“Good luck today.”

“You too.”

Then Victor moved further, and Yuuri could breathe again, silently thanking his brain for being able to come out with appropriate answers and to maintain a semblance of control despite everything else inside him shutting down.

  
  


____________________

  
  
  


Monday, August 11, 2008  
3.30 pm  
10m Platform Synchronized Men  
  


Yuuri kept his focus on the simple movements of his body, climbing the stairs towards the top platform, arm and legs bending and stretching rhythmically. He was aware of Phichit’s steps behind him, matching the same rhythm. It was something they have practised along the years in order for Yuuri to have something keeping him grounded.

But the previous anxiety that had gnawed at him during breakfast seemed to be tamed now, for some unknown reason.

He and Phichit had unexpectedly taken the lead in the first round with a flawless forward diving in a tuck position, gaining very high scores on the technical side and nearly perfect ones for synchronisation. 

Some minor imperfections from their strongest opponents had helped, but it was too soon to call a victory. Everyone knew very well that it was the final round that was going to decide the podium.

And here they were now, diving last.   
Phichit and Yuuri knew what scores they had to beat to win a medal and usually, this would have put Yuuri’s anxiety in overdrive.   
Usually, but not today.

Yuuri wasn’t going to question his luck. Nor was he going to investigate if the fact that his mind was hectically wondering if Victor was watching him on TV was also a factor.

He reached the top of the platform and moved to make space for Phichit, rolling his shoulders and his neck slowly. 

_“Katsuki is at his first Olympic Games, while Chulanont has already won bronze in this event in Athens…”_

He mindlessly checked with his thumbs if the elastic band of his red briefs was in place, moving on his butt afterwards to do the same. Yuuri imagined Victor listening to the media commentary and watching what he was doing at that exact moment. He couldn’t help his tongue from poking out and licking his lips briefly.

_"Yuuri Katsuki and Phichit Chulanont, Russia. Backward two and a half somersault with two and a half twist."_

The voice of the announcer resounded in the Cube, giving the go-ahead.

The difficulty of this specific jump was in the speed and the numbers of turns. The synchronisation was also challenging. The reward in points was appealing, but the chances of failing were also relatively high.

“Let’s do this,” Phichit whispered next to him, and Yuuri nodded sharply, bumping the side of his fist together with Phichit’s.

His focus narrowed to the rest of the platform and the void at its end, the movements he needed to perform during the jump the only thing now playing in his mind.   
Phichit moved at the same moment, the four steps dividing them from the edge strong and confident, eyes fixed in front of them. They turned their back to the void without even glancing down, like a challenge. Their toes were the only thing touching the platform now, their bodies slightly tilted forward to keep balance, arms on their side and expression on their faces sharp and concentrated.

The silence in the Water Cube was deafening, interrupted only by the gentle swishing of the water.

“Ready?” came Phichit’s low voice after three seconds spent in the position.

“Yeah!” Yuuri answered back promptly.

Once again perfectly synchronised, they both opened their arms sideways, stopping them over the line of the shoulders, palms facing in front of them.

And then Phichit was counting “one...two...three.” 

Yuuri put every single drop of focus in his muscles: he and Phichit had practised this jump many times, but they still weren’t very consistent with the results.   
However, they knew that to have a chance at a medal, they had to take risks. 

Yuuri and Phichit jumped, backs arching in the empty space behind them for a split second before they twisted midair so fast it was nearly impossible to follow the movement, all while keeping their bodies straight, legs and feets following the arch and falling first towards the water. 

In a blink, they regained control exiting the twisting.   
Their arms came to embrace their straight legs tight against their torso while doing two quick frontflips, bodies bent in half.   
They then released the position during the last extra half, arms shooting above their heads and hands closed in fists. Legs behind and their whole bodies tense as an arrow, they broke the water with their fists, making space for their heads, shoulders, the rest of their bodies. 

All were disappearing in the liquid surface with very few splashes around them and furious bubbles boiling in the surface as a reaction.

For a blissful moment, everything was quiet and silent around Yuuri.  
It was his favourite moment, every time: his body releasing the tension, floating gently while regaining a straight position, ready to go up and back in the real world.

If it were up to him, he would have stayed underwater much longer, wrapped in the feeling of being weightless and embraced. But he knew too well it was impossible, and his head soon broke back on the surface, lungs filling with air while the noise of the audience going crazy hit him nearly physically.

Yuuri went out of the water following Phichit, waving briefly at the screaming audience before going towards the showers located not far away, waiting for the score. Both he and Phichit fidgeted nervously with their microfibre towels. Celestino had given them an enthusiastic thumb up, but there was no way they could know how they had performed until the scores came out.

And then the screams doubled in intensity, and the audience went wild.

Yuuri could just look in disbelief when Celestino shot his fists in the air with a thunderous, proud shout and Phichit crashed into him and put his arms around Yuuri's body while screaming with joy.

Gold.  
They won gold.

____________________

  
  


Monday, August 11, 2008  
7.30 pm

  
Yuuri was tired, but he couldn’t stop smiling.

He had been surrounded by fellow competitors, both Russians and from other Countries, since after the medal ceremony. There had been cheering and congratulations, and it had only worsened once he and Phichit were back to the Olympic Village.

Now, the atmosphere in the dining room was high; they were surrounded by only Russian athletes all in the mood of celebrating the Olympic gold medals by drinking and jumping and singing loudly. 

Phichit was shamelessly flirting with Chris, who didn’t seem to mind at all by the look of it.   
Yuuri was enjoying a brief moment of quiet at his table, blissfully alone, watching the gold medal hanging around his neck and resting on the palm of his hand. It still felt like he was dreaming.

“Yuuri?”

Yuuri’s head shot up, brown eyes meeting blue ones.   
Victor was standing in front of the table, arms behind his back, posture slightly stiff.   
Did he look- uncomfortable?

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you. And good luck for tomorrow,” Yuuri answered, slightly dazed.

Victor nodded briefly, acknowledging the well-wishing, before turning to leave. After two steps, however, he stopped again and turned to look over his shoulder at Yuuri, who was still staring at him. 

For an awkward moment, neither of them said a single word. 

Then, like losing some sort of internal battle, Victor diverted his eyes and spoke in a lower voice, which was nearly drowned by the noise around them.

“You were marvellous.”

And then he was gone, leaving Yuuri in stunned silence, eyes wide in disbelief.

____________________

  
  


Tuesday, August 12, 2008   
10.30 am   
200 mt freestyle

Victor walked towards his starting block after his name was called. 

Yakov murmured a few words walking along with him for a few steps, usual recommendations on his lips, before leaving him when he couldn’t proceed further. Then, and only then, Victor dared to glance towards the platforms towering on his side while walking.

Since witnessing Yuuri’s jump two days prior, he had been hardly able to think about anything else. Everything had been enrapturing, from the beautiful starting position to the fast fall, from the way the other man’s body had turned mid-air in a front flip to the straight position while hitting the water, causing just a small splash around him. 

Victor had never been interested in other sports but swimming. He adored the water embracing him, the resistance he had to push through with his limbs, the silence when he was underwater. He’d never felt interested enough to watch any other sport, and especially platform diving (he actively refused to admit the reason for that particular dislike).

Still, he couldn’t deny how fascinating it had been to watch Yuuri and Phichit jumping, turning, falling together, like angels swooping in water.

Unwanted, the memory of the evening before came back to his mind, and Victor clenched his jaw. 

He really, _really_ hadn’t meant to say out loud how beautiful Yuuri had looked to him during the competition. Victor had watched it with Chris and others of the Russians athletes on a big screen in the conference room next to the restaurant in the Village. He had squirmed and had struggled to keep his jaw from falling slack when the camera had shown the other man checking his briefs, and Chris had teased him relentlessly for hours.

The first three whistles jolted him and dragged him back to reality. 

Victor took his position in front of the starting block and slowly covered his silver hair with the swimming cap, fingers slipping under the silicone material to trap the longer bangs underneath. Then, the goggles follow, fingers pulling out the elastic band on the back of his head and then letting it go smashing in position with a dry sound. 

The next, long whistle followed shortly after.

One foot after the other, he climbed on the rear edge of the starting block, blue eyes meeting blue water, now focused entirely on what he had to do.   
  
For a moment, it looked like he was having a silent conversation with the liquid surface moving slightly under him. 

_“Take your mark.”_

Victor’s body responded to the command automatically. He moved his left foot in front of him on the front edge, leaving the right foot behind. Then he bent his legs, which were wrapped in the long swimming costume for the whole length, detailing every movement of their powerful muscles. His torso moved forwards and down, tips of the fingers stroking the edge of the starting block before grabbing it firmly, body shifting slightly backwards to give the back leg more pressure. 

He was acutely aware of the tension, the excitement, the silence surrounding him, body tense like a spring ready to snap.

The loud beep that followed released the constricted power; all the muscles reacted at the same time. 

For one split second, Victor was flying over the water, body arching slightly so the joint hands could break the surface of the water first, making way for the rest of his body.   
His back arched the opposite way while underwater, legs pushing together in a wave motion that involved the whole body and sprinted him fast forward.   
The hands finally released their joint position, one arm pushing backwards while the legs started a powerful leg kick.

The first breath filled his lungs and shot an exciting electric shock down his spine.

This was what he liked the most, Victor briefly thought before giving up his rationality to the muscle memory and the movement of his body. The excitement, the need to be the best, the fastest. Always.

After the third turn, in the second half of the final lap, Victor regained control of his body and glanced at his sides. 

He hid his brilliant smile in the water, but when his hand hit the wall, ending his race, Victor already knew the gold medal was his.

  
  


____________________

  
  
  


Tuesday, August 12, 2008   
8.00 pm  
  


“Victor?”

Victor’s eyes left the screen of his phone to meet big, sweet brown ones, gentle hints of gold sparkling in them. Yuuri was holding a half-empty glass of wine in his hand, swirling it gently.

“Yuuri.” It came out slightly trembling, but not enough to be acknowledged in the noisy room.

“Congratulations,” Yuuri said, hinting with a small movement of his glass towards the gold medal around Victor’s neck.

“Thank you.”

For a moment, Victor was sure Yuuri was going to add something else. The man’s eyes turned pensive, then pained for a brief moment, before shooting down towards the floor.   
Yuuri turned to leave and stopped mid-way.

“You were truly stunning,” he murmured softly.

And Victor couldn’t be sure, but when Yuuri turned completely to walk away, it seemed to him the other man said something else, something that went missing in the noise around them.

____________________

  
  


Yuuri turned his shoulders to Victor to walk away and shut his eyes to keep tears from falling.

“You have always been.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this chapter being so long, but I wanted to give the feel of the competitions. Hope it was worth it :)
> 
> Thank you [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	6. Tidal wave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tidal wave (noun): a tsunami
> 
> For this chapter, I strongly suggest you listen to this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpOSxM0rNPM) on repeat while reading.
> 
> Fast your seatbelt.

(Arctic Monkeys - Do I wanna know?)  
  


_I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week  
_ _How many secrets can you keep?  
_ _'Cause there's this tune I found  
_ _That makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat_

Monday, August 18, 2008  
11.30 pm

The Olympic Games were notorious for their parties, especially the unofficial ones.

The music was pounding, and the alcohol had run free for hours, well before Yuuri and Phichit had joined the party. The swimming competition had ended the day before with Victor and the relay team winning another gold, and all the other sports were approaching their ending. The Russian athletes had therefore decided to go wild and celebrate the quite impressive amount of medals they were going to bring back home in a few days. 

Both Yuuri and Phichit had just taken the time to drop their bags in their apartment, hanging everything to dry as best as they could and changing their clothes in more suitable ones before leaving for the unofficial party in the conference room. The preliminaries for the 3m Springboard Men had finished merely half an hour prior, and Yuuri and Phichit were going to have both the semifinals and the finals the day after.

Everything in Yuuri had suggested they should have been sensible, that they needed to rest.  
Phichit, on the other hand, had been adamant they needed to have a bit of fun instead and Yuuri, secretly hoping to see Victor, had relented without too much fuss.

Now Yuuri was dancing.

He was not drunk, just tipsy, and the music was addictive. He had always loved this song. His hips, wrapped in skinny, dark jeans, were sensually swinging in the middle of the dance floor, following the pounding rhythm. His shirt had two buttons open around his neck, the dark blue fabric adhering to his sweaty body, and his hair was still damp from the shower. His glasses kept sliding down his nose, but he didn’t want to take them off. 

How was he supposed to glance towards Victor and see if he was watching him otherwise?

The older boy had been drinking, laughing and talking with his friends the whole time, apparently unaware of Yuuri’s arrival. Or maybe not interested.

Yuuri glanced briefly behind him, with a movement he hoped was smooth enough to be considered part of his dancing. He noticed that Victor was now leaning against a wall, a glass of sparkling wine in his hand and (Yuuri couldn’t be entirely sure, but he was reasonably certain) eyes on him. Or at least, he was watching towards him, which was enough.

Feeling a bit bold, mainly because he was giving Victor his back, Yuuri put some extra effort in swinging his hips. He knew he could be very sensual, years of ballet and pole dancing lessons granting it, and despite not being drunk, Yuuri wanted to show off. 

Something was simmering in his stomach, heat pooling, and he wanted to be _seen_ by Victor, a mix of anger and desire fuelling every movement.

 _Maybe I'm too  
_ _Busy bein' yours  
_ _To fall for somebody new_

Yuuri loved the lyrics of this song; he always had. The words sounded like strings plucked inside him as if they were speaking for him.

Yuuri let go and surrendered to the music.

  
_________________________________________  
  
  


Victor was in pain.

There was no other way to define the dryness in his throat or the clenching sensation in his stomach. It was torture, Yuuri was torturing him.

He’d started the evening with Chris and his other teammates, drinking and laughing and pretending even with himself he wasn’t waiting for Yuuri to show up. Not at all.

He’d known perfectly well that Yuuri and Phichit had to go through preliminaries that evening, so he hadn’t waited for him immediately. After it was past 11 pm, Victor had started to glance towards the doors embarrassingly often, something Chris hadn’t missed at all and had teasingly remarked on as well.

When the other man had finally arrived, Victor’s demeanour had changed instantly, and he had started actively ignoring Yuuri, not even acknowledging his presence. It had amused Chris even more.

But his best friend had soon enough found something more enthralling to do, in the form of Phichit Chulanont. When the two had started flirting openly, Victor had moved away and had leant against a wall, sipping from a glass of sparkling wine. He had realised the music had changed. His eyes had been pulled like a magnet towards the dancing floor, and his torture had started. It had felt like a punch in the stomach which had taken all the air off of his lungs.

Yuuri was entrancing. His body wasn’t following the music: he _was creating_ the music.  
Victor couldn’t have taken his eyes off him even if he’d wanted to. And he didn’t want to.

There were so many emotions stirring together in his constricted chest that Victor felt overwhelmed. 

He wanted Yuuri, he hated Yuuri, he was so angry with him, he was so gone for him.

On the dancing floor, a member of the water polo team approached Yuuri, his body bending at the waist so he could whisper in Yuuri’s ear. Yuuri laughed without missing a single movement: his body was enticing in those clothes adhering to him like a second skin, especially defining the perfect, plushy butt and muscular thighs. 

Victor couldn’t hear the sound of the laugh, but he saw the mouth opening softly, the eyes wrinkling, the head tilting slightly. The other man seemed encouraged by the reaction and reached out with a hand, aiming at Yuuri’s arm, leaning in again to murmur something else.

Victor’s fingers gripped the glass so strong that the knuckles turned white.

All of a sudden, he was raging. Flashes of white popped in front of his eyes, and his heart was pounding heavily against his ribcage. For a moment, Victor couldn’t breathe, jealousy washing over him with such force he had to control his instinct to punch that man. 

How did he dare? How did that guy dare to touch Yuuri like that?

The moment after, Victor pushed away from the wall and started walking towards the centre of the dancing floor, glass still clenched in his hand.  
  


  
_________________________________________

  
  


Yuuri moved slightly to remove his arm from the other man’s touch, hiding the gesture as part of his dancing. Yes, he had indulged in a little teasing, hoping to be seen by Victor, but he didn’t want to encourage the other man at all.

Turning slowly on himself while following the rhythm of the music, also avoiding to hear whatever the other man wanted to add, Yuuri caught a glimpse of Victor coming towards him. His heart flipped in his chest. Being tipsy made him also bolder, so Yuuri smiled softly, brown eyes into blue eyes, before finishing his turning and leaving his back once again towards Victor.

Yuuri’s consciousness zeroed to his body moving, his ragged breath and the physical awareness of Victor closing the distance between them. 

Victor stopped nearly touching Yuuri's body, still in silence. Yuuri could _feel_ it, could feel the heat of Victor’s body even if they were not touching, could feel sparks running between them. He kept moving his hips and, looking above his shoulder towards Victor, he sang the lyrics along with the song. 

_"It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of tryin' to kiss you  
_ _but I don't know if you feel the same as I do."_

  
_________________________________________  
  
  


Victor could hear the lyrics loud around him, ringing in his ears, and could read them on Yuuri's lips. 

So close. 

They were so close Victor could feel his head spinning, emotions wild inside him fighting against each other. Victor glared towards the water polo team member, and the other man got the cue. He lifted his hands in a sign of defeat and moved somewhere else.

Victor’s free hand reached out to Yuuri's hip, and he started moving at the same rhythm, fingers curling possessively in Yuuri’s skin over the fabric of his jeans.  
Shortly after, Yuuri leaned back. He pushed his back against Victor’s chest, head bending backwards to lay his nape against Victor’s shoulder and baring his throat, eyes closed and lips slightly parted and curved in a soft smile. 

Victor was acutely aware of Yuuri’s ass brushing against his groin while they were still moving following the music. Their hips weren’t as close together as their torsi; nevertheless, they were touching, and it was becoming increasingly difficult for Victor to think. Yuuri’s hair was caressing his cheek softly, and Victor was so tempted to bend his head and kiss the other man's inviting throat that it was nearly painful to resist the impulse.

And then Yuuri turned in his grasp. Victor’s hand lost the grip on his hip only to brush loosely over Yuuri’s ass and fall on the opposite hip once Yuuri stopped his rotation, facing Victor. Neither of them had faltered in their swinging the whole time.

Victor bent his head a little forward to look Yuuri in the eye. The other man was slightly shorter than him and was still pressed against his body, chin upwards and brown, lovely eyes framed by the glasses focused on his. Out of the corner of his eye, Victor noticed Yuuri’s right arm raising, hand touching his shoulder lightly and ending on his nape, fingers slipping in the short strands of silver hair. 

It was too much.

Yuuri’s touch was burning. His smile was so inviting, his body so warm against his own, his eyes so bright, honest and longing and full of something else Victor couldn’t quite point out.  
Everything in Victor was screaming to surrender, to give up to the man who had claimed his heart so many years ago, to grasp what he had longed for since then.

But Victor couldn’t forget and couldn’t forgive.

He couldn’t forget the pain, the void he had felt, the sense of rejection.  
He couldn’t forgive Yuuri for leaving him without a word, for making him feel so unworthy.

Victor pushed down into himself every feeling that wasn’t his anger, and his old pain still alive and leaned forward.  
  


_________________________________________  
  
  


Yuuri was lost.

He had no idea what had come into him, why he had acted like this, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he was dancing with Victor. 

Yuuri felt like he was floating. He felt weightless as if he were in the water, the skin where Victor’s fingers were grabbing his hip burning deliciously under the fabric. The rest of his body was following a rhythm that now seemed to be the same as his heartbeat, blood running through him flushing his skin.

Victor’s face was still grave. He hadn’t smiled once, and it was the only thing that was making Yuuri feel uncertain, uneasiness pulling inside him. 

But Victor was dancing with him, right?

And he had come when somebody else was hitting on him.   
That surely meant something.

Yuuri just wanted a chance, an opportunity to explain himself, to make things right. He was hoping that Victor dancing with him was the opening he was looking for. They could finish dancing and then maybe they could leave the dance floor together, grab something to drink and find a quiet place where they could finally talk. After all these years the conversation was probably going to be awkward, but surely-

Victor’s eyes were dark, and something shifted inside them all of a sudden.

Yuuri couldn’t suppress a shiver of nervousness and excitement when he saw Victor leaning forward, his face coming closer and closer to his. For the first time that evening, Yuuri faltered and froze, his arm around Victor’s neck falling back on his side when Victor’s movement interrupted the contact. Yuuri’s eyes widened, breath hitching in his throat. Was Victor about to-

No.

Yuuri felt Victor’s cheek brush against his, mouth nearly caressing his ear lobe.  
For a moment, Yuuri wondered if Victor was going to ask him to leave the dance floor with him, and a hopeful smile curved his lips. 

And then the other man spoke, voice loud enough to be heard over the music. It was so close to Yuuri’s ear that the warm air coming out of Victor’s mouth tickled the skin of his neck.

_"You left me behind. You just disappeared, you left without a word. I loved you, and you broke my heart. I will never let you come close to me again."_

Yuuri's body was hit in full force by a wave of shock. His smile dropped utterly, and his jaw slacked, eyes wide open and unable to focus. He couldn’t move a single muscle. 

Victor straightened up and stepped back. It was merely a few centimetres, but it felt like an impossible distance was between them now.

After a last, hard look in Yuuri's eyes, Victor turned around and walked away, leaving Yuuri alone and shocked in the middle of the dancing and oblivious crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...you can shout at me.
> 
> Thank you [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	7. Tsunami

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsunami (noun): a very large wave or series of waves caused when something such as an earthquake moves a large quantity of water in the sea.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: there's a mention of a panic attack. It's not explained in great details and it's really short, but if you want to avoid it don't read between "not that it mattered" and "not this time though" towards the middle of the chapter. I promise you won't lose anything by not reading that paragraph.
> 
> I hope you still have your seatbelts fastened, this is my favourite chapter along with the previous one.

(Ursine Vulpine ft. Annaca - Wicked Game)

 _  
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you  
_ _And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you_

Victor’s resolve was crashing down quickly.

He kept his gaze into Yuuri’s because he was still running high on his outburst of anger, but the impact of his words was visible. Yuuri’s face lost colour even in the dim light of the room, and his eyes showed such pain that Victor had to turn away.

_What have I done?_

It had felt so right when he’d said those words. Now he wasn’t so sure anymore, but he couldn’t go back. He didn’t want to. Did he?

After turning his back to Yuuri, it felt more comfortable to breathe, so Victor moved to leave the dance floor and rejoin his teammates. He looked out for Chris, but he couldn’t see him anywhere. Victor pulled out his phone from the pocket of his trousers to check for messages, and he saw the notification straight away.

_Chéri, I’m taking Phichit to our room. May I count on you for not coming back too early?_ _(^_−)_

Victor sighed and put the phone back in his pocket. It wasn’t a big deal, honestly. He wasn’t as close to the rest of his teammates as he was to Chirs, but it would have done. And the party was not going to finish anytime soon anyway. He turned to join his friends, and by doing so, he glanced towards the dance floor. Yuuri was still there; he hadn’t moved at all apart for his face now turned down towards the floor. Victor couldn’t figure out his expression, but his body was tense, a far cry from the beautiful, moving creature he was dancing with merely minutes before. It made something in Victor stir uncomfortably.

Then Yuuri moved, a stiff step forward, and Victor diverted his eyes and forced himself to join the group and the conversation in front of him.  
  


_________________________________________

  
  


Yuuri was feeling numb.

He knew he was moving, but it was something Yuuri was doing out of the mere consciousness that he couldn’t stay frozen in the middle of the dance floor without raising too many questions. And he didn’t want to give answers mainly because he didn’t have any.

Yuuri reached the edge of the dance floor, trying to stay as far away from Victor as possible. He could feel the beginning of something pooling in his stomach, something unpleasant. He needed to leave, but he had to find Phichit first. 

But Phichit was nowhere to be found, so Yuuri pulled out his phone to check if he had messages.

_Yuuuuuuuuuri!!!!! I’m leaving with Chris ♪(๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑)♪ Don’t wait for me tonight!_

Oh.

Yuuri was happy for Phichit. It was a sort of dream coming true for his best friend, exactly as it would have been for him if-

Yuuri shook his head, refusing to go down to that path. But his brain had a different idea because he found himself looking towards where he saw Victor last. The older man was laughing with his friends, apparently at ease and happy. 

The music changed to a slow and intimate one, and a pretty girl from the synchronised swimming team approached Victor at that moment, as she had waited for a chance. She put a hand on Victor’s forearm, and the man leaned down to listen to what she had to say. Then he smiled - one of his signature ones - and nodded, following her on the dance floor. 

The girl’s arms wrapped around Victor’s neck where Yuuri’s arm had been minutes before, her body pushing against Victor’s like Yuuri’s had. 

Yuuri couldn’t take it anymore.

He felt his breath hitching and his head spinning. With a trembling hand, Yuuri removed his glasses and put them on the table in front of him. He covered his eyes with the same hand, the other palming the hard surface grounding himself, torso slightly leaned forward.

He had to leave. He had to find a quiet place to hide before-

And then it came back to him. His room was empty. He could go there, hide in peace and take the whole night to try to collect himself in time for tomorrow’s competitions. To try to forget.

Yuuri moved towards the exit of the room. At the doors, he met one of his teammates coming back in, and he stammered he was going to sleep to be at his top for tomorrow. 

In his dazed state, Yuuri didn’t realise he had left his glasses on the table.

  
[______________________________________________](https://64.media.tumblr.com/9dc51c35c9a3bc1cd2257ebdb2cc0376/60a5bdfca449098f-4b/s2048x3072/6c6e7e81af9df487e090424032163e1dbeb1e20e.jpg)  
  
  


Victor was cursing the length of the song.

Why on earth had he agreed to dance? Because he couldn’t find a good excuse to say no without being rude, his brain helpfully provided, and Victor had to suppress a sigh.  
Not only he had to pretend to have fun with his teammates, but now he also had to endure until the end of a dance he was loathing.

The girl wasn’t subtle at all. She had an inviting smile on her lips and was pushing her body against his, tilting her head with an explicit purpose. Victor barely resisted the impulse to shout in her face that it should have been pretty obvious he fancied men. His body was trying to move back, and his brain was comparing her touch to how it had felt to have Yuuri’s body against his instead.

The thought made Victor lift his head, his eyes looking for Yuuri in the room. He couldn’t find him. The plastered smile he had worn since the beginning of the dance faded, and a frown replaced it. The other man had been close to the table near the exit minutes ago, but he was nowhere to be seen now.

Victor turned his head around, but he still couldn’t see Yuuri anywhere.

His partner didn’t seem to be happy to be ignored. She was saying something, but Victor couldn’t care less. With barely some half-hearted words of excuse, he left her on the dance floor and started to walk around, scanning the room. Something had begun to stir uncomfortably in his chest, and his search became more frantic. The party was still jam-packed, and it took some precious minutes to Victor to realise Yuuri wasn’t there anymore.

By the time realisation hit, he was close to the table where he had seen the other man last. Still looking around, thinking he might have missed some spots, Victor put his hand on the table and jerked it away straight after, gaze dropping. He had touched something that wasn’t the straight surface he was expecting, and his eyes took a few seconds to focus on the object: a pair of glasses.

Yuuri’s glasses, Victor was sure.

Victor carefully grasped them in his hand, head once again scanning the room.  
He knew very well Yuuri needed his glasses to see properly, therefore finding them and not their owner rang bells of alarm inside Victor’s mind.  
As soon as his eyes found a group of athletes of the diving team, Victor rushed towards them.

“Have you seen Yuuri?” Victor asked as soon as he reached them, and he was surprised by the anxious tone of his voice. Many of them shook their heads, but one turned to Victor and nodded.

“He said he was going to sleep to be ready for tomorrow.”

Victor pushed his lips together in a thin line for a moment before starting to worry his lower lip between his teeth lightly. Maybe it had been just an honest mistake. Perhaps it was better to give the glasses to his teammates and-

“But to be honest he didn’t look very well,” the teammate continued after a moment, frowning and shaking his head, then exchanging worried looks with the others in the group. 

Victor felt his body tensing with a sort of premonition. 

“What do you mean?”

The man hesitated for a moment, then shrugged as if he had come to the conclusion it wasn’t something worth hiding.

“Yuuri suffers from anxiety. He always had since he was very young. Sometimes it’s- bad.” The man said reluctantly. 

“Yeah, it doesn’t take much for him to break down. I remember his first jumps, Celestino had to go up to the platforms and sit down with him many times,” added another man, with a sad tone of voice, and Victor felt something cold inside him.

“But he had come so far since then, he had worked so hard,” the first man started talking again, and there was fondness in his voice. The other members nodded wholeheartedly, and it was obvious the team loved Yuuri very much.

“I just hope nothing happened that put him off,” the second man added, glancing worriedly towards the doors. “Most likely, it would jeopardise the whole competition tomorrow, and after all the effort he has put into training, it would be such a shame.”

Victor felt as if frozen fingers were squeezing his heart.

_What have I done? What have I done?_

“Do you know his apartment's number?” Victor asked with a strained voice.

“Why do you ask?” the first man frowned. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, and Phichit is probably there anyway-”

“I have found his glasses. I think he might need them,” Victor answered quickly, raising his hand that held the object he retrieved earlier. He was struggling to keep still now. He knew Yuuri was alone, he knew Phichit was with Chris. Maybe Yuuri’s teammates thought it was a good idea anyway, because after a moment they gave him the number.

Victor rushed a quick thank you and walked with sure steps towards the doors, exiting the room. Then he started to run.

  
[______________________________________________](https://64.media.tumblr.com/9dc51c35c9a3bc1cd2257ebdb2cc0376/60a5bdfca449098f-4b/s2048x3072/6c6e7e81af9df487e090424032163e1dbeb1e20e.jpg)  
  
  


Yuuri lost track of time. 

Not that it mattered. Yuuri had barely made it to his apartment, the door clicking closed behind him just before the panic attack had hit at full force. He’d found himself curling on the sofa, body trembling out of control and breath scattered to the point his head had started to spin for the lack of oxygen. It had taken every single drop of willpower to concentrate on the techniques Yuuri had learnt for cases like this, but it had been years since he had to fight a panic attack alone. Phichit or Celestino had always been there for him for a very long time, to help him going through the spiral of negative thoughts. 

Not this time, though.

It felt like an eternity, even if Yuuri knew that it had been more likely a matter of minutes. Eventually, the panic attack subsided, leaving Yuuri completed exhausted. His muscles were contracted to the point he struggled to stretch his limbs from the fetal position he had kept for the whole time, arms folded around the legs and knees pressed against his chest.

When his strengthened breath washed away the leftovers of the anxiety, the tears started.

_"You left me behind. You just disappeared, you left without a word. I loved you, and you broke my heart. I will never let you come close to me again."_

The effort put into surviving the panic attack had left Yuuri defenceless and vulnerable to the memory of Victor’s words. Yuuri hugged one of the pillows on the sofa and pushed his face into it. 

The tears soon turned into sobs.

_I will never let you come close to me again._

Yuuri just didn’t have the strength to fight against the hollow feeling of desperation inside him. His heart was shattered in so many pieces he wasn’t sure he could put it back together. He cried so hard that his body was shaken by great sobs that filled the empty apartment, and Yuuri was sure he was going to pass out for exhaustion or maybe die of heartbreak. He couldn’t hold back even if he wanted to. 

Another uncertain time frame passed before his body didn’t have anything else to give, and his head was pounding at the same rhythm of his slowly slowing heartbeat. Yuuri felt himself dozing off, on the verge of falling asleep and for once, he couldn’t care less that he wasn’t in his bed, or that he hadn’t taken a shower nor removed his sweaty clothes.

_Knock knock knock_

Yuuri frowned. With a massive effort, he left ajar his blurred eyes and waited. He wasn’t sure if he’d really heard knocking at the door. When the sound didn’t repeat, he started closing his eyes again.

_Knock knock knock_

This time the sound was louder. Yuuri moaned when he forced his body to move, first going on all fours and then carefully putting his bare feet on the carpet. The world spun around him, and he had to steady himself, hand on one of the armrests, before starting walking tentatively towards the door of the apartment.   
Who could it be? Yuuri’s head was light, a dull headache pushing behind his eyes. Maybe Phichit had forgotten something. Perhaps he didn’t have his key with him.

Yuuri put his right hand on the handle of the door, turned it down and slowly pulled the door open.

“Sorry, Phich-,” he said, in a hoarse voice scratching the dry, sore throat. 

And then Yuuri froze.

Instead of Phichit, Victor was standing in front of him, one hand raised as he was going to knock again and the other holding his glasses.  
  


[______________________________________________](https://64.media.tumblr.com/9dc51c35c9a3bc1cd2257ebdb2cc0376/60a5bdfca449098f-4b/s2048x3072/6c6e7e81af9df487e090424032163e1dbeb1e20e.jpg)  
  


Victor was about to knock again when the door pulled open. He couldn’t quite understand what Yuuri had started to say because his brain abruptly stopped working. 

Victor took in Yuuri’s red and swollen eyes now wide open in shock; his cheeks were stained with dried tears, and his hair was messy, damp with sweat and most likely tears. Yuuri swayed in front of his eyes and Victor shot forward to catch him before he could fall on the floor, but the other man seemed to recover enough to step back a little, with a muffled whine.

The door of the apartment closed with a soft click behind Victor, now two steps in the small hall. A moment of absolute silence followed, and Victor pulled his arms back to himself, before raising the free hand and running his fingers nervously through his bangs.

“What are you doing here?” Yuuri asked with a trembling, hoarse voice, face now turned sideways and eyes towards the floor. 

“I- uh, I found your glasses,” Victor answered awkwardly, showing the blue framed object in the palm of his hand now open towards Yuuri.

Yuuri turned his face and stared at the glasses for a few seconds, with a puzzled expression, as if he had difficulties understanding what was going on. Victor bit hard on his lower lip: Yuuri looked shattered, and the memory of what the diving team members had told him at the party about Yuuri’s anxiety was haunting him.

“Uh. Th- thank you,” Yuuri murmured, taking the glasses from his hand, careful not to touch Victor’s hand. Then he moved slowly towards a close-by shelf and dropped them on top of it, turning his back to Victor afterwards.

“Please go now.”

“Yuuri-”

Yuuri trembled so hard his entire body visibly shook, his hands closed in fists without strength.

“Please go.”

Victor moved forward one step. Then another.

“Yuuri.”

Yuuri turned quickly on unsteady legs, fresh tears streaming down his cheeks.

“What?” he tried to shout, letting a desperate sob escape instead. “What else, Victor? What can you possibly-”

Victor didn’t let him finish. He closed the distance between them, hands grasping the other man’s shoulders, and crashed his lips against Yuuri’s.  
  


[______________________________________________](https://64.media.tumblr.com/9dc51c35c9a3bc1cd2257ebdb2cc0376/60a5bdfca449098f-4b/s2048x3072/6c6e7e81af9df487e090424032163e1dbeb1e20e.jpg)

Yuuri was so dazed he couldn’t quite process what was happening.

His exhausted brain was desperately trying to tell him something, but he just couldn’t focus, an overload of physical and emotional sensations washing over him.

A body pressed against his, taller than his own.  
Hands pressing on his shoulders.  
Something soft on his lips.  
Soft skin.  
Lips.  
On his lips.  
Victor’s lips on his lips.

Yuuri’s eyes grew impossibly wide.

He raised his trembling hands to press them on Victor’s chest. The other man’s grasp on his shoulders didn’t falter. Yuuri wanted to push Victor away. He wanted to ask him what he was doing, why was he kissing him after the words he’d said. 

But Yuuri was so weak after his breakdown, he didn’t have enough strength and the push didn’t have any effect, except one: Victor moved his hands gently away from Yuuri’s shoulders, brushing on his body, one going on his shoulder blades, the other moving up to cup his nape, fingers caressing the black strands of his hair.

Yuuri released a painful sob and Victor pulled slightly away, keeping his forehead against Yuuri's, eyes closed.

“Yuuri-” Victor breathed, and it sounded like a plea.

Then the soft skin was again on Yuuri’s, the tip of Victor’s tongue caressing the rim of his lips and Yuuri was lost.

He closed his eyes and slid his hands from Victor’s chest up around his neck, welcoming him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	8. Through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trough (noun): a low area between two high waves or hills
> 
> Do you remember it's rated Mature, yes?

(Ruelle ft. Fleurie - Carry you)

 _  
Is anybody out there?  
_ _Can you lead me to the light  
_ _Is anybody out there?  
_ _Tell me it'll all be alright_

  
  


Tuesday, August 19, 2008  
Sometime between midnight and dawn

Victor’s fingertips slowly caressed Yuuri’s sweaty skin, starting from his shoulder going down to the small of his back and then up again, the touch light as a feather. He was laying on his back, the other arm bent over his forehead, damp with tiny drops of sweat, eyes unfocused and breath slowly slowing down. Yuuri was also panting against his side, face buried in the crook of Victor’s shoulder, a slender arm crossing his chest. Their legs were entangled under the sheet that was covering their bare bodies from the waist down.

The only glow in the room was coming from the window, the curtains open. The soft lights of the Olympic Village were swinging slowly outside, the different colours painting flashes on the wall in the room. Victor’s eyes were following an orange one on its path, lazily, when Yuuri froze in his embrace, and Victor’s fingers stopped their motion. He opened his hand flat, palm resting against the other man’s shoulder blades. For a moment, neither of them spoke or moved, but Victor knew it was coming. He was ready when Yuuri seemed to suddenly realise the whole situation and started to get up abruptly. Victor’s hand on his shoulder blade prevented it, keeping him firmly in place. Yuuri’s head shot up to search for Victor’s face: his lovely, big brown eyes were full of worry and uncertainty and began to flash from side to side a few seconds later, as they were looking for a way out.

_Don’t, Yuuri. Don’t talk, not yet. Just a little longer._

Victor closed his eyes. He didn’t want to face the situation; he was still basking in the aftermath of sex, in the memories of hands roaming on trembling skin, of soft moaning becoming louder groans, of golden sparks in brown oceans covered by eyelids fluttering shut. Of the heat and the tightness. Of the crescents of nails planted in his shoulders. Of the back arching in pleasure beneath him.

_Just a little longer._

“Uh, V- Victor, “ Yuuri stuttered, trying again to push away from the other man’s body.

The spell broke, and Victor sighed, not resisting Yuuri’s movement and leaving him free to move away. 

Victor opened his eyes and removed his arm from his forehead, first sitting up, then throwing his legs out of bed and standing up. Yuuri had backed slightly and was now kneeling on the bed, the sheet still covering his legs and groin crinkled up between his nervous fingers. He looked like a deer caught in headlights. Victor removed the condom from his soft cock and tied it firmly, before discarding it in the bin.

There was no way to avoid the confrontation now, but he wasn’t going to be the one starting it.  
  


____________________________________________  
  
  


Yuuri was a bundle of nerves.

As having a thought, he moved to quickly wipe clean the area of his stomach from the result of his orgasm with the sheet he was squeezing between his fingers, embarrassed.  
He looked at the door for the umpteenth time in one minute, or so it felt to him, but he couldn’t leave, could he? They were in _his_ room! Maybe he could run and hide in Phichit’s room and wait for Victor to go? Maybe-

Victor moved to stand up and walked to the bin, handling something. Yuuri blushed when he realised what. And he blushed even harder watching the naked body in front of him, facing back and displaying his broad shoulders, the line of his back, the curve of his firm ass. 

Oh god, his ass.

Yuuri’s eyes shot back up, but just then a flash of white, bright light coming from the outside illuminated Victor’s shoulders, showing reddened crescent marks. Yuuri felt his head spinning dangerously, remembering the exact moment in which his nails had sunk into the skin in that same spot. His fingers stopped torturing the sheet, hands snapping up to cover his face: he needed to think about something else, _anything_ else and fast.

The fog that was blurring his mind was wiped out when Yuuri suddenly realised that Victor hadn’t moved from where he was, nor talked. Feeling something uncomfortable pinching his stomach, Yuuri slowly lowered his hands, taking in the tension of Victor’s body, fingers twitching slightly on the sides. He was still stubbornly turning his back to him.

And Yuuri knew.  
It was up to him.

“I never-” he began hesitatingly, pausing to clear his throat when his voice faded for a moment. “I never meant to hurt you.”

An ironic snort made its way into the silence that followed that first sentence, and Yuuri felt his heart tighten in a vice. 

“I couldn’t even fathom to hurt you. To be honest, I thought you wouldn’t probably even care that much that I was gone-”

Yuuri stopped with a gasp when Victor spun on his feet so fast that he nearly lost his balance, blue eyes flashing with anger and so bright even in the dim light of the room.

“I wouldn’t even… care?” Victor’s voice was tight, trembling with the effort of keeping it in control. “Are you being serious right now?”

Yuuri nearly crushed under the force of Victor’s anger, but he knew he had to go on, he had to make Victor understand what had happened.

“Pl- Please, Victor, let me explain,” he pleaded, and when Victor didn’t reply, he rushed to continue. “I didn’t mean to belittle your feelings. I’m just- I’m just trying to-” Yuuri groaned in distress, fingers running through his black hair and pulling slightly, as the pain could make him focus more. “Please, Victor, don’t- don’t you want to sit back here?”

For what felt like an eternity, Victor didn’t move, and Yuuri held his breath, eyes shutting closed, ready for harsh words, prepared for the other man to leave. Then, the bed dipped under his legs. Yuuri started breathing again and slowly opened his eyes to take in Victor, sitting on the edge of the bed, tense and only partially turned towards him, eyes guarded. Yuuri dropped his own.

“I’d lost all the love I had for swimming,” he tentatively started again. “I wasn’t feeling the water anymore. It was only repetition, no more magic, no more passion. If it hadn’t been for diving, it would have been for something else. Or for nothing at all. It might have taken longer, but the result wouldn’t have changed.”

“But maybe you would have said something at least.”

Yuuri flinched away. The bitterness in Victor’s voice was tangible, and it hurt.

“I know I was wrong, Victor. I cursed myself so many times for not talking to you, for not trying to explain at least to you. You- You were the only person there I felt close to, you were my only friend, and I should have-”

Yuuri blinked fast when Victor’s laughter, loud and dry, filled the room. He looked at him, startled, and the look in those blue eyes hit him like a punch, taking away the breath from his lungs.

“Your friend, of course.” 

Even the trembling in Victor’s voice was matching the despair, the ache in his eyes. The never healed wound. 

“Did you miss what I said earlier, Yuuri? I thought you heard me perfectly. I’m sure I was close enough.” 

Victor’s fingers clenched on his naked thighs, eyes shimmering with angry tears piercing Yuuri in place. 

“I loved you, Yuuri. Truly loved you. You were the one who made me understand I was gay. You were the one that made me feel butterflies in my stomach every time I saw you. Even the thought of seeing you was enough to make me dizzy.” 

A brief pause, Victor’s eyes were diverting now. “You were my true love, Yuuri. And you broke- no, shattered my heart. More and more each day that passed without a word from you until there was nothing more to break.” 

Victor’s eyes turned back to Yuuri, and there was finality in them. “But I’m happy to know I was your only _friend_.”

Victor moved to stand up, and Yuuri _knew_ , he knew he was going to lose him again, this time probably forever. Each word had hit him like a wrecking ball. He had no idea, how could he? The whole concept of Victor being in love with him was outrageous. And still, he was crushed by the guilt, because even without knowing Victor’s feelings, he _should have_ reached out to him. He should have, and he knew, and it was what it was torturing him since.  
He couldn’t lose him again.

So Yuuri launched himself forward, grasping Victor’s torso from behind before the other man could fully stand up and forcing him back to sit. His hands were clenched in front of his chest, and Yuuri pushed his forehead on Victor’s shoulder blades.

“Please don’t go. I didn’t know, Victor, I couldn’t possibly know. You were so popular, how could you- be interested in someone like me?” 

Yuuri was shaking from the tension of his muscles, breath coming out broken. 

“I loved you, I loved you, but I didn’t believe you would be bothered by me leaving. It’s not an excuse!” Yuuri nearly shouted, strengthening the grip of his arms when he felt Victor’s body tensing after his words. “I couldn’t believe in myself and in what I could do for a very long time, Victor. I still don’t when it comes to having to deal with other people.”

Yuuri sobbed, and tears started to flow, trapped between his eyes and the bare skin of Victor’s shoulder blades against his face.

“I loved you, Victor. I still do. Please…”

Yuuri unclenched his fists, and his hands started to caress Victor’s chest, desperately. He rose slightly on his knees, trailing his mouth on Victor’s back, his shoulders, his neck, leaving wet lines on its path, eyes shut and tears streaming.

“Please…” 

Yuuri whispered in Victor’s ear before kissing the soft spot behind his earlobe, fingertips of his left hand rising from the chest, brushing the skin up to the jaw and then pushing gently to turn Victor’s face towards him.

“Please…” 

Yuuri breathed, his lips on Victor’s, tears falling from his chin on the other man’s chest.

When Victor’s strong arms wrapped around him, when he felt fingers stroking his hair on the back of his head, when the kiss was reciprocated and deepened, Yuuri couldn’t suppress a shaking sob from escaping his lips.  
  


____________________________________________  
  


Later, much later, Victor was turned on his side, facing Yuuri who was also on his side and breathing softly. His lover had fallen asleep shortly after Victor had pulled off him. He had gathered the body of the exhausted man still clinging on him in his arms, letting him rest.

After a while, when he was sure Yuuri was deeply asleep, Victor had manoeuvred him in the current position and had moved to discard the condom and retrieve a damp cloth from the bathroom to clean the other man from his come gently. After returning to the bed, he had spent a long time just watching, taking notes of the signs of all the earlier breakdowns still imprinted on Yuuri’s skin. His eyes were still swollen, even when closed, and wrinkles were signing his forehead, visible even in the dim light of the room. Yuuri’s body was also motionless: he was worn out, both the physical and the emotional endeavour taking their toll. Was he going to be all right in the morning?

Victor clenched his jaw. It was a worry, but it was difficult for him to focus on that after all the words they had exchanged.

Yuuri had loved him. No, Yuuri still loved him.  
And what about himself? Did he still love Yuuri?

His heart was shouting its answer, but his mind was refusing to give up, nurturing the idea that all those years of anger, pride and hurt had to mean something. That he couldn’t just surrender so quickly like all the pain had been endured for nothing.

But wasn’t it what Chris had always told him?  
That he should have let go for years now. That Yuuri had also been very young, younger than him, and that Victor couldn’t keep judging the actions of the past with the knowledge of the present.

He needed to think.  
He needed fresh air, a walk, time alone.  
Time away from Yuuri.

Victor stood up, slowly redressing after finding his clothes scattered in the apartment, where they had been abandoned in the heat of their first making up. When he was ready, he hesitated. Should he leave without a word?

It was petty but alluring, the idea of disappearing as Yuuri had, with no explanations.

Victor lingered for a couple of minutes. Then he moved back towards the bed, a knee and both hands pushing on the mattress gently and mouth brushing softly on the corner of Yuuri’s mouth. Yuuri murmured something and an eye, blurred with sleep, half-opened.

“Victoru…?” The voice was drawn from sleep, but the accent, that lovely way Yuuri had called him in those days, sent a pang straight into Victor’s heart.

“Sssssh. Sleep, my Yuuri. I’m going now.”

Yuuri was snoring lightly when the click of a closing door broke the silence of the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	9. Spring tide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spring tide (noun): a time when there is a big difference between the highest and lowest levels of the sea.

(Billie Eilish, Khalid - Lovely)  
  


_Isn't it lovely, all alone?  
_ _Heart made of glass, my mind of stone  
_ _Tear me to pieces, skin and bone  
_ _Hello, welcome home  
  
_

Tuesday, August 19, 2008  
5.30 am

Yuuri opened his eyes slowly. The sky outside the window was bright, and Yuuri scrambled to reach for his phone on the nightstand to check the time. With a sigh of relief, he put it back down and rubbed his eyes briefly. It was still early, and there was no rush.

Yuuri wondered what could have possibly woken him up, but that thought was wiped out as soon as he opened his eyes again and took in what laid on the nightstand next to the phone. Memories of the night washed over him, overwhelming, and his lungs struggled to inhale and exhale for a couple of scary seconds.  
And then realisation dawned: slowly, very slowly, as trying to delay the inevitable hit, Yuuri turned to look at the rest of his bed. His eyes snapped shut, and he struggled to swallow the knot in his throat. Yuuri moved a hand like it wasn’t his, roaming on the sheets next to him: cold.

Victor had left long ago.

Yuuri collapsed forward, sinking his face in the pillow. He felt tears stinging behind the eyelids, but he was still so exhausted he couldn’t even cry, only lay still and hope to survive. 

_Sleep, my Yuuri._

Something was lingering in his mind—words and memory of a soft kiss. Victor bent on the bed. Everything was so blurred, though. Did he have a dream? Most likely, he told himself. He was probably just remembering a part of his dreams. It wasn’t surprising he dreamt of Victor after all that-

The door of his room slammed open, and Yuuri jolted with a squeal.

“Yuuriiiiiii!!!! I can’t wait to tell you-”

Phichit’s voice stopped abruptly, and Yuuri whirled around to look at his best friend, cursing at the lack of the glasses that were still in the living room. He squinted, trying to see what had made his very talkative friend stop in his speech, but all that he could figure out was the direction of Phichit’s look. Yuuri followed it and froze.

The nightstand.  
With a bottle of lube and an opened pack of condoms on it.

Without saying a word, Phichit walked to the bin in the room before Yuuri could stop him and glanced inside. He nodded briefly and turned back, walking to exit the room and towards his own. Yuuri was struggling to find something to say, startled by his friend’s behaviour when Phichit came back and stopped on the doorframe, tilting the whole body on a side, crossing the arms on his chest and using a shoulder against the frame to support him.

When a massive grin opened on his best friend’s mouth, Yuuri knew what was coming.

“Yuuriiiiiiii. Is there anything you want to tell me?”

Yuuri groaned and sank again in the pillow, covering his face with both hands.

“Don’t try to deny it. The evidence is right on your nightstand, and it’s _my_ evidence, I’ve just checked. Besides,” and the smug tone of the voice was enough for Yuuri to swear Phichit’s grin had widened, “the bin can’t lie, and you are completely naked. And you never sleep naked.”

Yuuri blushed so hard he was sure his skin had reddened at least up to the chest, but he refused to move.

“Look, Phichit,” he started, voice muffled from the hands in front of the mouth, “I’m sorry for going into your room. It wasn’t- I didn’t-” Yuuri stuttered, feeling the knot in his throat tightening.

Phichit tutted. “Yuuri. You knew where to check because I told you where to find them if you ever needed to. You were the one saying it was useless information and I’m pleased to see it was not. Now, are you going to tell me what happened?”

“No.” Yuuri’s answer was harsher than necessary, but he _really_ didn’t want to talk about it. Yuuri removed his hands from his face, arms falling wide open on his sides and eyes staring at the ceiling. “Nothing happened, Peach. Absolutely nothing.”

Phichit said nothing after that.  
After a few minutes, Yuuri felt his friend moving and coming to sit down on his side of the bed, his hands gathered in his lap, his face turned towards him, the grin disappeared and a slight shadow of worry in his eyes.

“Where is Victor?” Phichit asked softly.

Yuuri grimaced and turned his face on the opposite side. “Why do you assume I was with him?” he asked, voice hardening. It wasn’t right to lash out with Phichit, Yuuri knew it. He just couldn’t help himself.

“Yuuri, you would never have been with anyone else,” Phichit said gently, reaching out with one hand and covering Yuuri’s closest to him. Yuuri didn’t withdraw it. “Where is he?”

“I don’t know,” Yuuri answered after a moment, voice small and exhausted.

Phichit’s hand stroked Yuuri’s briefly. “He didn’t say?”

“I was asleep.” Yuuri closed his eyes because he felt tears rising again, and he didn’t want to cry. Not again. But he heard Phichit sucking in his breath harshly after his words.

They stayed like this for long minutes, while outside the window, the first noises of life starting for the day were now audible. Phichit squeezed his hand once, and Yuuri turned to look at his friend. The smile on his tanned face was tense, and something was burning in his eyes, but his voice was gentle.

“Come on, Yuuri. We have a competition to win. Time for breakfast.”

Yuuri nodded and slowly stood up.  
  
  
_______________________________________________  
  
  


Victor rubbed his eyes heavily with one hand, the other fumbling with the key of the apartment. After the second attempt, he finally managed to open the door and walked in, pushing it back closed behind him.

He had waited to see Phichit leaving the building to walk back to his apartment, whistling and happy, before moving to go back home. Since leaving Yuuri’s place, Victor had wandered in the Olympic Village with his hands tucked into the pockets of his jacket until he had felt too tired to move. He had then sat down on a bench where he could watch at his building, but far enough not to be spotted, and had waited, elbows on his thighs, hands dangling between his legs and eyes fixed on the ground.  
He had lost count of the number of times he had shot his eyes closed when the ghosts of touches and kisses had made his skin prickle, his stomach clenching at the memories of soft moans.

Victor was still so confused.

He had basked in his truth, in his anger, in his hurt feelings for so long. He had approached every love interest in his life in the light of that past event, never trusting anyone enough to give more than the bare minimum. He had been so sure he was ready, solid as a fortress, rightful in his wounded pride.

But then Yuuri had been in front of him, and everything had trembled in the foundations.

Victor took off his shoes in the small hall and walked inside the living room, eyes still on the floor like he had to check every step not to fall. He needed a shower and to sleep.

“Good morning, chéri.”

Victor looked towards the kitchenette and found Chris near the counter; he was in his underwear, holding a mug in his hand and with a smug expression on his face. Victor snorted slightly and clutched his neck with both hands, a tired moan released from his lips.

“Well, for you, maybe. I had to wait for your lover to leave and even if it’s Summer, it’s quite boring to spend the night on a bench.”

Chris’s left eyebrow shot up. “Mh, you mean you didn’t find anyone to entertain you during the night?”

“You know my standards are high, Chris,” Victor answered in his best imitation of a bored voice, but he couldn’t help but divert his eyes slightly on the side. After a moment, realising the mistake, he took them back on the other man, but Chris’s eyes were narrowed now, and he knew his best friend was suspicious.

“Anyway,” Victor resumed without leaving him time to reply “I’m exhausted now. I’m going to sleep.”

Chris didn’t say a word until Victor was one step inside his room, hand already on the handle of the door to close it behind him.“We are going to watch the semifinals in the conference room, aren’t we?” Victor tensed instinctively, and he knew Chris had taken notice. He nodded slowly, without turning around. “I’m going to wake you up in time.” Chris only added, voice neutral.

Victor entered his room and closed the door.  
  
  
_______________________________________________  
  
  


Tuesday, August 19, 2008  
11 am

“Yuuri Katsuki, Russia, reverse dive.”

The voice announcing the next diver rumbled in the Water Cube, and Yuuri startled. He had spaced out again, despite being already in position and at the very moment his focus should have been sharper than ever.

Yuuri took two steps forward, reaching the wheel on the side of the trampoline indispensable to set the elasticity of the board, according to the diver’s preferences. Right foot on the wheel, he turned it slightly backwards, until he was satisfied with the new position.  
Then, he moved back and stood still, facing the water, arms tight on the sides and body tense. He looked at the board, trying to focus on the movements he needed to do.

_Victor’s blue eyes over him, so tender, a drop of sweat hanging on his eyelashes._

Yuuri inhaled sharply, shutting his eyes for a moment. He released the breath shakily.

One step.  
Two steps.  
Three steps.  
Small jump.  
Arms swinging backwards.

_Victor’s mouth on his neck, biting lightly._

Foot hitting the board, pushing down to bounce more, the other leg swinging forward lifting the body midair, knee bent coming up, thigh nearly touching the chest, arms shotting upwards, fingers straight pointing to the ceiling.

_Victor’s arms around him, supporting him, keeping him close._

Feet hitting the edge of the board together, body straight, the whole weight pushed down to bounce back in the air as high as possible and forward over the water. Legs straight coming up to meet the hands, pointed toes touching the tips of the fingers, body folded forward in half.

_Victor’s skin under his lips._

Back straightening backwards, arms tight on the sides until the body is vertical and falling headfirst towards the water, then coming back up to enclose the head tightly. Forearms pushing against the ears, hands on each other, palm against back, kept straight to form the blade that will pierce the surface of the water.

 _I loved you. I still do_.

The impact with the liquid surface, the feeling of the insteps hitting the water slightly.  
More than enough for Yuuri to understand that the entry position was far from perfect. 

While his own voice still resounded in his mind, repeating words that had remained without a reply, Yuuri wondered if it would be enough.  
  


_______________________________________________

_“It’s now Katsuki Yuuri’s turn. Katsuki represents Russia, he’s 23 years old, and this is his first time at the Olympic Games. He’s very consistent and dedicated and has already won a gold medal here in Beijing in the 10 meters Platform Synchronised Men event with his teammate Phichit Chulanont.”_

The silence in the conference room was interrupted by some cheers and a loud “go, Yuuri!”, before the voices quieted down again, attention on the screen.

_“Mh, there’s something off, don’t you think, Morooka?”_

_“Yes. A moment ago Katsuki seemed to have been startled by the voice of the announcer. He looks quite tired as well. I hope he’s not feeling the pressure. Our viewers may not be aware of it, but Katsuki back at home has never made a secret of suffering from anxiety. Of course, we are talking about Russia, for which a huge emphasis on this aspect of the young athlete has not been given. However, especially abroad, Katsuki is considered an inspiration by many, for the tenacity with which he has fought his demons. He has never given up until he has reached the Olympic Games, the most prestigious sports competition in the life of an athlete.”_

Victor’s jaw clenched painfully.

Yuuri was an inspiration at home and abroad, a fighter, and Victor didn’t even know he suffered from anxiety. So much for feeling entitled to judge the other man and his actions. Victor had so obstinately refused to know anything about Yuuri's life that he didn't even know the most basic information, let alone his mental state and the difficulties he had overcome to get where he was now.

Victor felt shame creeping up silently.

_“Here, he goes. He has chosen a reverse dive with a difficulty of 1.9 and- ouuuuuch.”_

The cry of nervous surprise echoed in the Water Cube from the public as well, and Victor felt something horrible tighten his bowels in a vice. The conference room was immersed in stunned silence.

_“That- was unexpected. The reverse dive is a fairly easy jump for an athlete like Katsuki. Normally this is not a fatal mistake but at the Olympic Games-”_

_“Yes, a wrong entry angle can make the difference between qualifying for the finals and finishing the competition here. Let's watch again in slow motion. Here, right at the end, the body axis is slightly unbalanced, and the insteps have hit the water raising some splashes.”_

_“Katuski is leaving the water now. We can see his coach Celestino Cialdini patting him on the shoulder, but the tension is noticeable. Katsuki looks defeated. Chulanont is with him now and seems to be trying to reassure his teammate.”_

_“Chulanont and Katsuki are very close. Katsuki has said more than once that Chulanont has been his rock and that he has helped him get through many dark moments.”_

_“The marks are in. Well, that was to be expected. All is not lost for Katsuki yet, but he will have to wait until the end of the semifinals to understand if he has qualified for the finals. Something that I would not wish even for my worst enemy.”_

_“Indeed. Let’s watch the next diver now-”_

Victor felt sick.   
With a few murmured words he apologised to Chris and left the room, barely restraining from running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	10. Flood tide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flood Tide (noun): the rising of the level of the sea each day until it reaches its highest point and begins to fall again
> 
> ***
> 
> I'm a bit early because I'm quite tired and tomorrow will be one of those days, so...enjoy!

(Christina Perri - A thousand years)

 _  
I have died every day, waiting for you  
_ _Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years  
_ _I'll love you for a thousand more_

( For the competition: [Tony Anderson ft. James Everingham- Darkest Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eNuD53aFbA))

Tuesday, August 19, 2008  
3 pm

  
  


_How is Yuuri doing?_ _(｡╯︵╰｡)  
  
  
_

_He’s enduring. He’s disappointed, of course, mostly with himself. He wanted to qualify for his skills, not for the mistakes of others. (个_个)  
_

_Send him my love. I’m sure he will be great in the final.  
_

_Sure. Hey, can I ask you a favour?_

_  
  
__Sure._ _  
_

_  
__  
Tell your friend he’s a moron and to fuck off! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐_ _  
_

_...what am I missing here?  
  
_

_He didn’t tell you??? Of course, he didn’t. Ask him! Ask him where he spent last night.  
  
_

_He was with Yuuri, wasn’t he?  
  
_

_AND HE LEFT WITHOUT A WORD WHILE YUURI WAS ASLEEP!  
  
_

_He did WHAT??  
  
_

_You heard me! I have to go, Yuuri needs me. Later. (─‿‿─)♡  
  
_

_Later. (⌒▽⌒)♡_

_______________________________________________  
  
  


Victor wasn’t sure how many shots of vodka he’d drunk when Chris found him.

His friend didn’t address him at first: he just stopped next to him at the bar’s counter and ordered a glass of red wine, elbows resting on the counter surface in a relaxed way and a friendly smile towards the bartender. Only when the wine was in front of him, and the bartender left them, Chris turned on his side, leaving only one elbow and forearm on the surface and holding the stem of the glass between the fingers of his other hand.

Victor felt his gaze piercing as if Chris wanted to dig a hole in his skull and have a look at his brain. 

“So,” Chris started smoothly after it was evident that Victor wasn’t going to talk, “I hope you’ve not been drinking since you left the conference room, or at least I hope you had lunch.”

Victor shrugged his shoulders and gulped down the vodka in one shot. “Can I have another one?” He asked then in a slightly shuffling voice. 

But Chris put a hand on the empty glass and shook his head, smiling brightly to the bartender who was eyeing them from the other end of the counter. “He’s had enough, thank you. A bottle of water would be great.” 

Victor glared at his best friend, displeased, but the other didn’t even flinch. Chris opened the bottle as soon as it was given to him and pushed it towards Victor, who ignored it, diverting his eyes to his hands, resting uselessly on the counter.

“How do you want this to go, shall we talk as two adult men or do you want to stay there pouting like a child?”

Victor indeed pouted and refused to answer. Chris sighed and straightened.

“Fine. God knows I’ve seen you acting in this defiant way other times and I have loved you nevertheless, but this time you’ve crossed the line.”

Victor boggled, taken aback by the harshness of his best friend's voice, and finally turned his face to meet the other man’s glare: Chris looked indeed pissed.

“I know that you’ve always approached love affairs carelessly because you’ve never really fallen in love with anyone, and I also know who you’ve always blamed for this. I tried to make you reason about the stupidity of this way of thinking more than once, but you always refused to listen, and I never insisted too much. Maybe I should have. But, Victor,” and Chris’s expression became even darker, “Seriously? Even in the middle of your stage of ‘spoiled brat convinced that the world has it in for him’ I would never have thought you would have gone this far.”

Victor looked at his best friend, mouth gaped, and expression shocked, and he seemed to be looking for words which, however, failed him. Eventually, he managed just a trembling “... What?”

It didn’t seem to be the right answer, however, because Chris snorted and moved his free hand dismissively.

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I know where you’ve been during the night, Victor. I had my suspicions, but now I know for sure.”

“I- I don’t-”, Victor was struggling, he couldn’t understand why Chris was so angry, and the alcohol wasn’t helping either.

“You still don’t want to admit it? Fine, I’ll say it for you.” Chris leaned slightly forward, voice lowering to keep what was coming next between them. “I know you’ve been with Yuuri. And normally I would have been happy to know that most likely you finally got to solve your outstanding issue in the best way. But Victor, leaving him in the middle of the night without a word? Were you looking for revenge? Because if this is the case-”

“What???” Victor snapped as if he had been bitten by a snake, eyes widening in horror. All of a sudden, he felt sober. “What do you mean without a word? I bid him good night before leaving!” 

Silence fell between them. Chris peered hard at Victor as if looking for something in his eyes. Victor’s head was spinning, his heart beating so fast it felt like it was going to break his rib cage.

“Victor,” Chris started again, slowly, “He was asleep, wasn’t he? Are you sure he heard you?”

“I-,” Victor said, and then stopped. 

He went through every action, every moment in his mind: how he had bent on the bed, how his hands had sunken in the mattress. His mouth on the corner of Yuuri’s. Yuuri calling him softly, eyes foggy with sleep, barely open. 

Had Yuuri heard him? Or was he too sleepy and had only reacted to the touch?

Victor felt something cold running through his spine. If Yuuri hadn’t heard him, then he had woken up only knowing that Victor had left him. After having sex. Used and discarded.

_"I loved you. I still do."_

A flash of Yuuri's expression after his jump earlier took over in his mind: he had looked defeated, but most of all, numb, like nothing mattered anymore.

"I don't know," he eventually whispered, staring at Chris in panic. "Chris, I have to find him."

"No, you have to shower and to drink water," Chris said, pushing the bottle of water in his hand and abandoning the glass of wine nearly untouched. "We're not going to look out for him now: he has qualified for the final, and he needs to focus. Besides, Phichit would skin you alive."

Victor sucked in his breath. Of course Yuuri would talk with Phichit.

"Then what…"

"Shower. And water. And then we'll have something to eat, and we'll head towards the Water Cube. We'll watch the final live."  
  


_______________________________________________  
  
  


Tuesday, August 19, 2008  
5 pm

The empty storage room was wholly immersed in the dark, only the faintest light filtering from the narrow spaces between the door and the frame. When the door opened slightly, a blade of the unnatural light of the corridor filtering inside outlined the silhouette of a person crouched in the farthest and darkest corner. Its legs bent and clasped in the chest by the circle of arms, forehead resting on the knees and face made invisible by black hair in messy locks falling around.

“Yuuri?” the soft voice of a tanned man called softly, dark eyes only slightly peeking inside.

There was no answer, no movement from the figure in the room, but that didn’t seem to worry the other man. After another short stretch of silence, the voice spoke again, soothing.

“Yuuri, it’s time.”

For a moment, nothing changed. Then, slowly, the crouched figure started moving stiffly, as if recovering from a long time of immobility.

The tanned man took in the movement and nodded, retreating quietly.  
  


_______________________________________________  
  


Tuesday, August 19, 2008  
10 pm

There was another loud cheer for the diver who had just finished his jump, and Yuuri slowly opened his eyes. One more.

Phichit was close to him, microfibre towel across his shoulders and hair damp: he had dived already, a perfectly clean back 3 ½ somersault which had given him a very high score. Phichit was currently in the first position, with only two divers left to compete. One of them was Yuuri.

Inhale.  
Exhale.  
Concentrate.

The announcer called the next diver, and everything moved fast forward.

“Yuuri.”

Phichit’s voice was calm. His friend wasn’t looking at him; he was just staying close, attentively watching the movements of the competitor on the board, calculating the danger for his current rank.

“Just do it. I know you can.”

That was all that Phichit added when the competitor hit the water with his back too arched, splashing around his entry point.

Yuuri felt a hand falling on his shoulder and squeezing once, before retreating.

It was time.

Yuuri moved towards the platform, so similar to the one he’d spent so many hours on. His body recognised it immediately, the step to rise on top of the back of the board sure and smooth. When he moved to the wheel to check the degree of elasticity, he found himself incredibly composed.

Unfortunately, it was the wrong kind of calm.

“Katsuki Yuuri, Russia, forward 4 ½ somersault.”

Yuuri was standing again on the back of the board, arms loosely on his sides, looking down at his feet. He knew, of course. He’d been in this mental space enough times to know what was going to happen, and that was the reason why the calm he was feeling was wrong. Because it was the kind he usually felt when he was well aware of the monster being stronger than him. He was going to lose, and the worst part was that it wasn’t even bothering him.  
Yes, somewhere inside him there was a tiny part which was yelling at him, trying to shake him off, trying to remind him of all the hours, days, weeks, years spent to train to arrive precisely here and now. 

He should be pissed; he should be fighting.

Instead, he just took notice of the narrow focus of his eyes, how everything around that focus was blurring and moving as if it were breathing, sometimes widening and sometimes shrinking. At the same time, Yuuri absentmindedly fixed the elastic of his swimming suit around his waist, a gesture so customary that it escaped the grip of the monster and gave a sense of normality to anybody who was watching from the outside.

Well, anybody but Phichit and Celestino, most likely.

Inhale.  
Exhale.  
Let’s end this.

His heartbeat was slow, nearly too slow, and heavy. Loud. It was the only thing he was able to hear pounding in his ears.

Tu-tum.  
Tu-tum.

“YUURI, DAVAI!”

Yuuri frowned because something had infiltrated the overwhelming sound, something he should have recognised. The words. And the voice.

“DAVAI!”

Yuuri jolted, eyes growing incredibly wide and turning frantically towards the audience, searching. And founding. 

There, as close as he could be, surrounded by people looking at him with different degrees of bewilderment, was Victor. He was bending forward so much that Chris - the tall, blonde figure easily recognisable - had to hold him with arms around his waist to avoid the risk of him falling over the barrier. Yuuri wasn’t able to figure out other details without his glasses, but the voice and the sight of beautiful silver hair were enough.

Yuuri stifled a sob with one hand to cover his mouth.

“Katsuki Yuuri.”

The announcer called again, in a warning.

Yuuri quickly composed himself. The pounding of his heart was very different now: it was fast, alive. The monster raised its head, but Yuuri slammed it down. His posture changed, straightened, his chin shot slightly up. One deep breath in, shoulders dropping straight after.

One step, two steps, arms swinging forward.  
A longer step, gaining speed, transforming in a hop while the arms started swinging backwards.  
Foot hitting the board and pushing it down, arms once again swinging forward.  
Board bouncing, body midair, leg straight and the other one coming up bent, thigh 90 degrees with the torso, arms straight over the head, hands towards the ceiling, palms turned outwards.

For just a moment, Yuuri looked like a perfect flamingo midair, like he was about to take off.

Body coming down following the law of gravity, the bent leg sliding smoothly along the other, both feet hitting the edge of the board while the arms circled backwards to increase the thrust.  
Board bouncing back hard.  
Body launched high and up over the water, fully collected and turning forward at idle speed, four complete rotations so fast that it was nearly impossible to distinguish them.   
Another half rotation and the fall headfirst, body straightening and stretching like an arrow, arms now extended forward to protect the head diving towards the water.

The blade formed by the hands cut the surface of the water, and the whole body followed straight after without lifting a single drop.

Yuuri indulged in the perfect bliss of the silence underwater for a split second, then he followed his heart’s desire and sped up, returning to the surface. He was hit by the full force of the screams and the cheers coming from the audience, and for a moment, he was disorientated. While swimming towards the ladder, his imperfect sight started to become more precise, and he could take in Celestino with both the fists in the air, Phichit jumping next to him. 

And above them-

Victor had both hands clasped in front of his mouth, cheeks streaked with tears and shoulders trembling. Chris, next to him, was smiling widely, showing a thumb up.

Yuuri couldn’t take his eyes off Victor while climbing the ladder, nor while he moved steps that became increasingly faster. As for an invisible signal, Victor started moving sideways towards the steps of the stalls, removing his hands from his mouth but not his eyes from Yuuri.

They broke eye contact at the same time, Yuuri shooting towards the exit of the poolside, Victor up the stairs to exit the stalls. Celestino shouted something, Phichit called Yuuri. Still, he ignored everyone, everything.

Yuuri nearly slipped and crashed into the walls twice, wet feet struggling on the smooth surface of the floor. He was out of the changing rooms and in the public area in a matter of seconds, almost tripping in an attempt to turn towards the stairs that led to the stalls as fast as possible, touching the ground with one hand to avoid falling.

By the time he was able to straighten, a taller body crashed against his and Yuuri fell backwards, his butt hitting hard on the floor, followed by his back. But not by the head, which was cradled by strong hands, protecting it and his neck from the impact. Yuuri laid down startled and breathless for a few moments, staring at the ceiling, before taking in the silver of the hair which was caressing his cheek and the soft, hot breath tingling the skin of his neck, where a wet face was hiding in the crook.

Only then Yuuri exhaled slowly, closing his eyes and embracing the body above his with his arms, holding tight.

They lay there for what seemed like an eternity, oblivious of the stares of people passing by. Only when Yuuri’s still wet body started to tremble because of the contact with the cold floor, they moved to sit down first and to stand up immediately after, Victor helping Yuuri offering his hands.

They stared at each other, hands clasped tight.

“I thought… I thought that you...,” Yuuri whispered, feeling tears gathering in his eyes.

“I was an idiot,” Victor answered, voice low and full of emotions before freeing his hands to cuddle Yuuri against him. “Please, don’t leave me ever again.”

Yuuri’s hands grasped the back of Victor’s jacket and held tight, arms trembling. 

“Never” was the only word that left Yuuri’s lips.

  
_______________________________________________  
  
  


When Yuuri emerged from the changing rooms on the poolside, he was holding Victor’s hand, fingers laced together.

Celestino’s expression went from very annoyed to very confused, while Phichit next to him grinned madly. A wolf-whistle fell on them from above, courtesy of Chris, easily leaning out over the barrier with his forearms smoothly pressed on the solid surface.

Yuuri’s marks weren’t on display anymore, but the final ranking was. Yuuri blinked rapidly, squinting, but he was still incapable of figuring out the details. Then, Phichit slipped the screen of his smartphone under his eyes, and Yuuri stared in disbelief. 

A huge smile broke on his face, and he looked up at his best friend, a thousand words passing between them in that brief moment.

Turning slightly, Yuuri tugged Victor closer and raised his free hand to gently thread his fingers through the other man’s soft bangs, cocking his head on a side with a knowing smile on his lips, golden sparks dancing in brown eyes absorbed in blue ones.

“After all, silver is my favourite colour.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They made it!
> 
> We made it! Congratulations everyone!
> 
> (goes to find some wine to celebrate)
> 
> ****
> 
> Thank you [SaerenDPity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaerenDPity/pseuds/SaerenDPity) for beta-ing the chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	11. Swell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swell (noun): the movement of the waves in the sea

(Savage Garden - Truly, madly, deeply)

 _And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,  
_ _I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry  
_ _The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty._

“The biggest regret I’ve had in all those years was that I never reached out to you.”

Yuuri was laying on his side, elbow resting on the mattress supporting his head, hand cupping the ear. The other hand was caressing Victor’s chest where the heart was beating steadily. His chocolate-brown eyes were following the pattern of his fingers, but Yuuri was very aware of ocean blue eyes looking intensely at him. Victor was resting on his back, dishevelled silver hair spread on the pillow, the hand closer to Yuuri playing with the black locks caressing the nape of the younger man.

They had left the swimming pool as soon as Yuuri and Phichit had taken a shower and dried enough to wear their tracksuit. Celestino had scolded Yuuri for leaving the poolside before receiving his marks. Still, he hadn’t been too hard: he was very aware of his athlete’s mental state before the dive and the fact that Yuuri had been able to overcome his weakness and win silver was the most important thing. Coach Cialdini was very proud of him, and he made sure Yuuri understood it. 

Chris and Phichit had teased Yuuri and Victor relentlessly on the complimentary shuttle bus during the whole way back to the Olympic Village; then they had greeted them with a pat on the back and had headed together to Chris and Victor’s apartment without a word, leaving Yuuri and Victor staring at them with an astonished look on their faces. Shortly after, they had looked at each other and had started giggling, before going to Yuuri and Phichit’s apartment.

They had made love slowly, passionately, learning their bodies, and what they liked, what made them trembling and what made them moaning and begging.   
And after they had reached the perfect bliss and came down from their high, they had laid together in silence. Their limbs entangled and their faces buried in each other shoulders, they had stayed still breathing in their scents of skin and sweat and shampoo as their lives depended on them staying as close as possible and never let go.

When they had finally disentangled enough to look at each other, legs still entwined and upper body slightly separated, Yuuri had waited to gather enough courage to talk. The need to clear the air between them had been more potent than the fear to upset Victor again. 

Now Yuuri inhaled and raised his eyes nervously to meet Victor’s, fearing what he could find in them. There was still sadness in those beautiful blue eyes, but also encouragement and Yuuri released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“When I left-” Yuuri kept his gaze steady, even when a fresh pang of pain flashed in Victor’s eyes. He flatted his hand on his lover’s chest as he could soothe his very heart. “When I left, the only thing I regretted was not having told you. Everything had been very sudden, an impulsive choice, I was so excited…” Yuuri diverted his eyes for a moment, as for gathering his thoughts, and then took them back to Victor. “I truly, truly believed it wasn’t a big deal for you, Victor. We never met outside the swimming pool. I didn’t even know which school you attended or where did you leave. I didn’t know so much about you that I seriously didn’t think you could miss me, considering we saw each other only while swimming, and even then we didn’t have time to speak a lot.”

Victor looked like he wanted to say something, but eventually relented. His fingers, which had stopped to thread in Yuuri’s hair sometimes while Yuuri was speaking, resumed their movement, as to push him to go on. So Yuuri did.

“I-” Yuuri swallowed hard, and Victor’s gaze fell on his Adam’s apple boggling, before looking up again with an evident effort. “I was in love with you already back then,” Yuuri whispered, blushing hard. “I- I knew already I was gay for about one year. I had suspected before but…” Yuuri moved the hand away from Victor’s chest to quickly thread his fingers through the messy bangs in front of his eyes. Then Yuuri lowered it again, fingertips only brushing the skin of Victor’s chest again. There was a reverent expression on Yuuri’s face, as he was having a hard time believing he was allowed to touch the body he had dreamt about for so long. Victor trembled visibly, skin covered in goosebumps. “But I knew for sure when I realised I couldn’t think about anyone but you.” 

Victor closed shut his eyes, chocked breath as if he were overwhelmed. Once again, Yuuri pressed oh so gently his palm on Victor’s chest above his heart, now pounding hard and fast.

“But you were you,” Yuuri started talking again softly, his eyes full of love and regret. “You were the most popular boy in the swimming pool, everyone was trying to get noticed by you, every girl, some boy as well…” Yuuri lowered his eye slowly. “Why would you have noticed me? Not to mention that I didn't even know if you could be interested in boys-”

Victor’s free hand came over Yuuri’s on his chest, startling him.

“Except,” Victor started, voice full of longing “you were the only one I wanted, Yuuri. For a long time.”

It was Yuuri’s turn to close shut his eyes, exhaling shakily from slightly open lips.

“It was because of you that I realised I was gay as well. It took me a bit longer than you, my friends at school were- well, straight, therefore interested in girls, so I assumed that was how I was supposed to be as well.” Victor kept threading his fingers in Yuuri’s locks, grounding himself, his eyes unfocused towards the ceiling, lost in memories. “Except I wasn’t. At first, I thought I was interested in you just because you were younger and I felt like I wanted to protect you, take care of you. But then-” 

Victor trailed off, and for a few moments, he didn’t say anything else. 

Outside the window, there were cheers and happy shoutings, people celebrating victories or just the ending of a fortnight to remember, regardless of the results. But inside the room, Yuuri and Victor were in their bubble, unaffected and unhurried.

“I remember that day,” Victor started talking again, voice low. “The day we shared the swimming pool with the diving team. I remember what you said, how captivated you looked by them. I have played that day in my mind so many times, every time thinking about something different I could have said, I could have done, anything that could have kept you with us.” A moment of hesitation, then “With me.”

Victor inhaled sharply, then exhaled heavily. His gaze turned focused again and moved on Yuuri, who had opened his eyes also and had raw emotions playing on his face.

“But I refused to do anything that day. I was too scared. I was terrified by the idea of you finding something else to be interested in, so I thought that if I ignored it, if I didn’t acknowledge what I saw on your face, nothing would have happened, nothing would have changed.” There was time for one breath before the next sentence came out in such a low voice that Yuuri nearly missed it, despite the silence in the room now. “And then you were gone.”

Victor moved the hand that was playing with Yuuri’s hair to the wrist that was holding the other man’s head and pulled gently. When Yuuri’s head started to lower after losing its support, Victor left the wrist and brushed his fingers along the arm. He reached the shoulders, curving his arm around them to hold Yuuri tight and pull him close to him, until Yuur’s body was plastered against his own, Yuuri’s head on his shoulder. Their other hands were still on Victor’s chest, one on top of the other. 

“Once it was clear I wasn’t going to hear from you ever again, I rejected you completely. I refused to learn anything about you, about how you were doing, what you were accomplishing...”

Yuuri chuckled softly, and Victor frowned in confusion.

“I went the opposite way. I’ve always been a fanboy of yours. I have religiously followed every competition, read every interview.” Yuuri blushed then, and Victor felt the heat of Yuuri’s skin increasing against his neck. “I cut out all the pictures I could find in magazines and collected them all.”

Victor’s arm pressed harder around Yuuri’s shoulders as if he needed to have him even closer, as if he wanted to absorb Yuuri and blend them.

“I knew nothing about your anxiety, and I feel so ashamed now. I have put you under so much pressure just because of my childish pride.”

Yuuri silenced him by putting his index finger on Victor’s lips after gently removing his hand from under Victor’s hand on his chest.

“It’s ok, Victor. It’s ok now. I don’t want to think about how it has been before. We will always have regrets, but I don’t want to hold on them anymore.” He cupped Victor’s face gently, palm against his cheek. “I love you. This is what I want to think about now. I want to know you, all of you.”

Victor melted in Yuuri’s touch, breathing shakily.

“I love you too, Yuuri. I always have.”

Yuuri leaned down to press his lips softly on Victor’s.  
  


_____________________________________________  
  


Sunday, August 24, 2008  
8.15 pm

They were all in the tunnel of the Bird’s Nest, waiting for the rest of the athletes to enter the stadium after the flag bearers had taken their positions. Contrary to the opening ceremony, the athletes from all the Countries were going to enter the stadium together, in no particular order, to symbolise unity. It was going to be a much less formal and joyous event, with a bittersweet aftertaste; after all, the Olympic Games was an incredible event, and for many people here it was also going to be their last one. Victor was still planning to go to London in four years, but in an athlete’s life, nothing is set in stone.

Yuuri and Victor were together, hands clasped, surrounded by their friends and by many other fellow competitors from everywhere in the world that had won medals: they were supposed to enter the stadium last, after everyone else. 

They took selfies to Phichit’s delight, laughed and jumped along with improvised choruses. When it was finally their turn, they walked inside the stadium surrounded by people cheering them from the stands and cheerful music played by a women's percussion band and two children percussion players. They couldn’t help but wave around with large arched of their arms, shouting greetings and thank yous and feeling incredibly proud, the medals around their necks shining in the night.

Yuuri’s gaze was never away from Victor for more than one minute, though, like a magnet attracted by iron, and it seemed to be the same for Victor too. 

During the speeches of the authorities and the Countries’ anthems, Yuuri went back with his mind to all that had happened during the past two weeks, and how much happier he was feeling now. He was incredibly proud of the two medals around his neck, both the gold and the silver, each of them for a different reason. The gold one symbolised his effort, the sacrifices he had gone through, but the silver held a different meaning, and it was in many ways the one Yuuri was attached to the most. It was the medal he had gained by overcoming his monster, by recovering from his defeated mental state. It was also the one that represented the moment in which Victor had shown up cheering for him and giving Yuuri hope. 

A hope that was now potentially becoming his future.

Yuuri was dragged back into reality when the Olympic anthem started playing, and the Olympic flag was slowly lowered. It was a poignant moment, the flag passing to London’s mayor.

Yuuri couldn’t help but feel his eyes stinging, overwhelmed by his feelings and the collective ones as well.

Victor squeezed gently his hand and Yuuri turned to look at him: Victor’s eyes were so full of love and tenderness that Yuuri couldn’t help but let some of his tears slide down his cheeks, smiling softly. Victor’s arms were around him in a moment, and Yuuri buried his face in the taller man’s chest, hands brushing around his lover’s body to lay on his back. 

Victor’s heart was beating strong and steady under his ear, and Yuuri felt as he was holding the entire world in his arms: he was absolutely sure there was nothing else he could possibly ask for.  
  


_____________________________________________  
  
  


Monday, August 25, 2008  
12.30 am

“Hey, Yuuri.”

“Mh?”

Phichit and Yuuri were finishing packing their suitcases, leaving only the toiletries and the clothes they were going to use in the morning out. They’d done nearly everything before the closing ceremony. Still, if there was something they had learnt during all their travels around the world for competitions, it was that no matter how many times you would check a room, there would always be something you have missed somewhere. Hence why they were still packing.

Phichit didn’t speak further, and Yuuri raised his eyes to look at his friend, finding him lost in thoughts, looking at his suitcase but gaze unfocused. Frowning, Yuuri was about to ask what was going on when Phichit seemed to rouse.

“What are you going to do now?”

Yuuri blinked fast, not sure how to answer, mainly because he didn’t understand the question in the first place.

“I mean,” Phichit started talking again, now looking at Yuuri with a big smile. “Are you going to date Victor?”

Yuuri blushed, one hand going on his neck to rub the skin absentmindedly, mouth twisting in a soft smile.“Well, that’s the idea, yes. I want to know him, Peach, really know him. I only know what magazines say or what he said in interviews. And all the things fans talk about in the forum online, but…” Yuuri thought of the words for a long minute, trying to express his feelings. “But even during this short time we have been together, I have already seen so many parts of him that are usually hidden. He’s so very different from his public persona, and I want to know the real Victor.” 

Phichit was nodding, starting again to put swimming suits and goggles in the pochette. “That’s good, Yuuri. I think both of you need some time just to learn how to be together. Chris said-”

“Oh, yes, Chris.” Yuuri’s tone of voice turned to tease, a smirk on his mouth now. “What about you and Chris, Peach? You seem quite close, eh?”

Phichit skin was naturally tanned, but that didn’t stop the darkening raising on his cheeks and down his neck. He pouted, grabbing a pillow from the sofa next to him to launch it towards a laughing Yuuri. “Not funny, Yuuri!” 

Yuuri chuckled, looking fondly at his best friend: he knew Phichit and Chris hadn’t talked about what they were going to do after the Olympic Games and that that had Phichit on edge. Yuuri launched back the pillow in a soft high curve for Phichit to catch and put back on the sofa.

I wouldn’t be worried, Peach. I’m sure Chris is positively smitten with you, I’m pretty sure it’s not going to end here,“ Yuuri made a big scene of tapping his fingers on his lower lip as he was thinking about something. “I’m actually very sure.”

Phichit gasped, and Yuuri winked, suffocating another laugh.

“You know something!”

“Maybe.”

“Victor told you something!”

“....maybe?”

“Yuriiiiiiiiiiiii!”

The pillow flew back across the room.  
  


_____________________________________________  
  


Victor and Chris had finished packing and were laying on the sofa drinking wine, a sort of tradition for them on the last night of an event. They were both quite drunk by now and had taken an embarrassing amount of selfies, acting coolly or pretending to be some sort of models, exaggerating their facial expressions. Now they were sitting sprawled on the two sides of the sofa, cheeks reddened and hair dishevelled.

“I swear, Victor. Nobody can ever come close to how he makes me feel. He’s so like me, and you know how much I like to think I’m unique,” Chris said, a sort of a dreamy look in his eyes. “Let alone how we go along well in the bed-”

“Enough, Chris!” Victor interrupted loudly, mimicking the act of covering his ears with his hands. “Information overload, I really don’t need to know about it!”

“Oh, shut up. If someone has had too much information in these past days, it was me!” Chris complained, nearly whining.

“Maybe, but not about the bedroom!”

“Which is a shame, because your Yuuri seems capable to rival my Phichit, but we’ll never know because you don’t want to talk about it.”

“It’s called privacy, Chris! Besides,” and Victor smirked “ _your_ Phichit?”

Chris frowned like he didn’t understand what Victor was implying and murmured something.

“Did you tell him you feel like this?” Victor asked, trying to focus more on the words his friend was saying. “I can’t hear you, Chris.”

“I said that I want to stay with him.” Chris nearly barked, startling both himself and Victor. Then he went on, with a lower voice. “But what if it’s not what he wants, Victor?”

Victor snorted. “Chris, the man is a massive fanboy of yours for years, do you really think he’s going to turn you down?”

Chris looked at Victor, hopeful “You think so?”

“I know so. You should tell him, Chris. Tomorrow, on the aeroplane. Sit with him; you’ll have hours to talk.”

Chris thought about it and eventually nodded. “Are you going to sit with Yuuri?”

Victor didn’t need to think about it. “Of course. I’m not going to lose a single moment I can have with him from now on. I lost thirteen years already. And I have so much to learn about him, his life, everything.” A pause, Victor looked at the wine left in his glass without seeing it. “I want him to know me, Chris. No fake smiles, no public persona, no more hiding behind my image. And I want to know him, all his strengths and weaknesses, all that he likes and despise. I want to be there when he smiles and when he cries, when he’s happy and when he’s anxious.” 

There was a long moment of silence before Victor raised his eyes to look at Chris, who was also listening intently with a smile on his mouth.

“I want to be his, Chris. Fully. And for him to be mine. I don’t want to lose him anymore.”

Chris didn’t say anything. He just stretched out his glass of wine forward towards Victor, offering a toast. Victor mimicked the gesture until the two glasses tinkled together.   
With a smile, the two friends drank down what was left of their wine, bursting out in laughter shortly after and going to fill the glasses again.  
  


_____________________________________________  
  


Monday, August 25, 2008  
7.30 pm

The plane's engines hummed softly in the background. The atmosphere was very different compared to the flight they had taken a little more than two weeks ago. Now tiredness was the most prominent feeling; therefore, the aeroplane was nearly completely silent, just some whispered conversation here and there.

Yuuri was keeping a close eye on one of those whispered conversations, taking place a row in front of his own but on the other side of the cabin. One head of short, blond, curly hair was very close to a dark-haired one, with some occasional gestures of the hands to underline some word. Yuuri’s angle of the mouth twitched in a smirk for a moment. 

His attention was diverted shortly after by a movement next to him, the silver-haired head resting on his shoulder slightly moving until a soft pair of lips dropped a light kiss on his neck. 

“Hey,” Yuuri murmured, raising a hand to brush lightly his fingertips on Victor’s cheek, the one which wasn’t resting on his shoulder.

“Hey beautiful,” Victor answered with a crooked voice, which made Yuuri chuckle: Victor was quite obviously still sporting his hangover. Yuuri had tried to ask him how much he and Chris had drunk the night before, but Victor had just babbled something incomprehensible, drinking black coffee and keeping his sunglasses on even when the sun outside the aeroplane had settled down. Yuuri had removed them gently only when Victor had fallen asleep on his shoulder, glasses askew.

Yuuri turned his head to kiss Victor’s head gently, smiling softly when the other man hummed happily in response. “Do you want some water?”

“Please,” Victor answered, groaning when he tried to move his head.

Yuuri shushed him softly, keeping him still with his hand on Victor’s cheek, and passing him a bottle of water that he had in the other hand. After a few grateful sips, Victor asked.

“How is it going?”

“Still the same.”

Victor hummed, closed the bottle of water and kept it close.

“Go back to sleep,” Yuuri said, still caressing Victor’s cheek gently, and the other man seemed happy to comply.

About twenty minutes later, when Victor was snoring softly, a high-pitched squeal interrupted the quiet of the aeroplane. Yuuri looked sideways towards the two heads he was looking at earlier just in time to see Phichit nearly jumping on Chris’ lap, hugging him fiercely before clasping his face between his hands and kissing him. They separated shortly after, grinning.

Yuuri couldn’t help the soft chuckle that left his lips and finally relaxed, eyes closing and head resting on Victor’s.

Everything was going to be just fine.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're approaching the end, there's only the epilogue left now. I can't quite believe it.  
> I'm so very grateful for all of you who have joined me on this journey and I hope I could give you even half of the emotions I felt by writing this story.
> 
> This chapter wasn't beta-ed, so it's all on me :) 
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> Updates every Wednesday and Sunday.


	12. Epilogue - tideline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tideline (noun): a mark left by the sea at the highest point it reaches on the land.

(Loren Allred - Never enough)

 _You set off a dream in me  
_ _Getting louder now  
_ _Can you hear it echoing?  
_ _Take my hand  
_ _Will you share this with me?  
_ _Cause darling without you  
_ _All the shine of a thousand spotlights  
_ _All the stars we steal from the night sky  
_ _Will never be enough  
_ _Never be enough  
  
_

St. Petersburg  
Saturday, June 12, 2010  
  


Yuuri closed the zip of the bag and stood up. He put on his shoes in the hall and pushed his glasses properly on his nose. After checking he had his keys and his phone, Yuuri took the bag in his hand, ready to go.

“I’m going, love,” Yuuri called towards the living room, and smiled when he heard the soft patting of bare feet coming closer, along with a louder and faster tickling of nails. 

Makkachin was the first to reach him, and Yuuri crouched to scratch the standard poodle behind the ears, cooing softly. He raised again straight after, smiling at Victor, taking in his beautiful frame wrapped in comfortable oversized sweatpants and t-shirt.

“Have fun, moya lyubov,” Victor said, coming closer to hug Yuuri and kiss him softly on his lips. When he broke away, Yuuri hummed happily, wrapping his arms around Victor’s waist and stand on his tiptoes to kiss him again. _I could stay like this forever_ , Yuuri thought. But he knew it was impossible, so he pulled back slightly with a sigh.

“Right, I need to go now, or I’m not going to leave at all today,” Yuuri said, smiling softly and taking a step backwards. 

“Go practise for Victuuri!” Victor said, with a playful light in his eyes, chuckling.

Yuuri rolled his eyes with a loud groan. Victuuri was the nickname Chris and Phichit had coined for Victor and Yuuri when they had started living together.; Phichit also used it as a hashtag when he posted pictures on social media, and it was now commonly shared by Victor’s and Yuuri’s fans when they talked about them as a couple.   
Victor loved to use it in place of the word victory from time to time, an inside joke between the two of them. 

“You’re so unbearably sappy,” Yuuri complained half-heartedly, before stepping forward again to peck at Victor’s lips with a soft smile. 

Victor beamed and bid him goodbye, and Yuuri was off.

While walking towards the swimming pool, Yuuri couldn’t help but think again at how much his life had changed in the past two years.

After the Olympic Games, Yuuri and Victor had dated for eight months, seeing each other every day, spending together every free minute they could spare between practices. Eventually, Victor had asked him to move in. When they had opened the first box of Yuuri’s possessions in Victor’s house, they both had cried. Makkachin had entered their family shortly after; they both had always wanted a dog, and they both loved poodles, so it had been an easy choice.   
They were living together for a bit longer than one year now, and it still amazed Yuuri to wake up every morning next to Victor and go to bed every night with him.

The doors of the swimming pool came closer and closer, and Yuuri couldn’t help but smile. Everything had started here, in this very same swimming pool so many years ago. Both of them were still training here every day, and the place held great significance for him. 

Yuuri had started to come to swim sometimes during the weekend when he didn’t have his regular practice; it wasn’t proper training, he only wanted to be surrounded by the water, basking in the feeling of floating like he was weightless. Yuuri had some time slots booked only for himself, so he was blissfully alone. He quickly changed in the changing room, left his wallet, glasses and keys in his locker and went to the poolside, ready to lose himself for a little while.  
  


_______________________________________  
  


About two hours later, Yuuri was panting after doing a final leg free and swam unhurriedly to the stairs, satisfied. Once back on the poolside, he pulled off his swim cap and goggles and ran a hand through his hair, feeling the nice burn of his muscles after the exertion. 

While walking towards the showers and the changing room, Yuuri scanned the whole place, checking if everything was in order. It was a habit of his, something he did without thinking, so Yuuri frowned when he noticed something off. His steps wavered, and he squinted, trying to understand what he was seeing. There was a shadow in an angle of the water that wasn’t supposed to be there, so Yuuri changed direction to investigate, his sight not enough without his glasses.

Once closer, Yuuri realised it was a kickboard, floating on the water and resting in the angle formed by two of the walls of the swimming pool, probably pushed there by the waves created by his swimming. Yuuri tutted: it must have been there since the day before, and he scowled at the idea, crouching down to recover it.

His hand stopped midway when he realised there was something on the kickboard.

He blinked fast, reaching out for the small object with one hand and the kickboard with the other, pulling both out of the water. He put the kickboard on the floor and held the other item in front of him. 

A ring.   
It was a simple, golden band and it sparkled in the intense lights of the swimming pool.

Yuuri frowned. It must have slipped out of the hand of whoever had used the kickboard last, without them realising. It was undoubtedly something precious, and Yuuri wondered how he could track down the owner. He turned over the ring between his fingers, noticing the absence of signs on the surface. It was probably a very recent gift.

Yuuri wondered if there was something engraved on the inside, a hint that could help him understand who could have lost it. He turned the ring, angling it so that the light could make the inner surface visible, and after rolling it slightly in search, he could see the start of something written. He squinted a little more, turning the ring so he could read the whole writing.

_~ Victuuri ~_

Yuuri’s heart stopped in his chest for a second that felt like a year and then started beating impossibly fast, knocking the air off his lungs. He rose on his feet, ring between his fingers, head spinning.

Why was their nickname on the ring?  
On a ring on a kickboard floating in the swimming pool, nothing less?

Yuuri turned on his feet slowly to leave, his focus still on the ring as if he expected to find an answer on it. The next moment he jumped violently with a squeak, his free hand snapping to his heart as to prevent it from breaking his ribcage and running away.

In front of him, bent on one knee, dressed smartly but with bare feet was Victor.

For a long moment, neither of them talked. 

Yuuri blinked. He was speechless; shocked breaths were coming out loudly from his mouth, his eyes were impossibly wide and his body, still dripping water, was completely frozen.  
Victor, on the other hand, was as still as a statue, not a single muscle flinching, mouth tightened in a fine line. His blue eyes were fixed on Yuuri, and there was an intense storm of emotions raging inside them, the most prominent of which was nervousness and fright.

“Yuuri-,” Victor said, voice hoarse breaking off immediately after.

Even though Yuuri was looking at him and saw his mouth moving, the actual sound of his name jolted him. His blood was roaring in his ears, and Yuuri distantly wondered how he could have possibly heard his name spoken with all that noise overwhelming him.

Victor moved as if in slow motion, one hand reaching out for Yuuri’s one which was holding the ring. He wrapped his fingers around it, pulling it slowly towards him.   
Victor’s eyes never left Yuuri.

“Yuuri-,” Victor tried again, his voice trembling. He seemed unable to speak further for a long second that felt like an eternity; eventually, he licked his lips nervously, inhaled, grounding himself and went on. 

“Yuuri, I- I love you. I want- I hope-.” Victor stumbled on the words, but eventually, he squeezed Yuuri’s hand briefly before speaking again.”Yuuri, will you- will you marry me?”

If Yuuri’s breath was choked the moment before, now it stopped altogether. Yuuri felt his knees on the verge of giving up under him, so he used every single drop of strength he still had to stay straight. His free hand shot from his chest to cover his mouth, a sob breaking through his lips. Tears were stinging in his eyes, and his heart was seriously going to explode any second.

And then Yuuri realised Victor was terrified.  
Victor’s hand, the one which was holding his, started to tremble, and panic was surging in his eyes.

Yuuri suddenly realised that several seconds had passed without him answering, so he forced his lungs to take in air again, feeling tears starting running freely down his cheeks. Yuuri removed the hand from his mouth and beamed.

“Yes,” he whispered because his voice was still failing him, his emotions loud in his chest but small on his lips. 

Yuuri saw Victor’s eyes filling with tears, making them brighter than sapphires. Victor took oh so gently the ring from between Yuuri’s fingers, twisting his right hand carefully so that he could slip the golden band on his ring finger. It fitted perfectly.

Yuuri sobbed again, and Victor rose quickly on his feet, stepping forward to hug and kiss his fiancé. In his excitement, though, Victor miscalculated the strength of his movement. When he crashed into Yuuri’s body, the other man lost his balance, slipping on the small puddle of water that had pooled around his feet after falling from his body.

With a yelp, both Yuuri and Victor fell in the swimming pool with a massive splash.

They reemerged shortly after, sputtering and coughing. The water was low on that side of the pool, so Victor and Yuuri found themselves standing in the water lapping at their chests. Victor’s clothes were adhering on his body, and his typically perfectly styled hair was plastered on his head.  
They blinked at each other, and then Yuuri burst out in laughter. Victor joined him straight after. They laughed uncontrollably for several minutes before they were finally able to catch their breath and calm down enough to speak again.

Yuuri moved closer and took hold of Victor’s hands with his. After watching them for a couple of seconds, he raised his chocolate-brown eyes to find blue ones.

“Where is your ring, Victor?” Yuuri asked softly.

Victor freed gently one hand to reach inside the pocket of his trousers, coming out with another golden band. Yuuri took it gently and studied it, finding the same writing engraved in it. He nodded, and took Victor’s right hand, sliding the ring on his ring finger with an almost reverent movement.

After that, they kissed deeply, so full of love that Yuuri briefly wondered if the warmth that was spreading from their bodies could make the water evaporating around them. They broke away only when they needed breathing, bodies still plastered together and foreheads touching.

“I love you, Victor Nikiforov,” said Yuuri, his voice full of marvel.

“Katsuki,” Victor retorted gently, caressing with one hand Yuuri’s cheek.

Yuuri frowned.

“We’ll be Katuski-Nikiforov. I want to be Victor Katuski.” 

Yuuri closed shut his eyes, tears threatening to overflow once more. After drawing a shaky breath, he opened his eyes again. Victor’s beam was brighter than the sun, his beautiful, heart-shaped smile that he had started to show more and more often even in public, relaxed and happy and proudly demonstrated to the world.

“We have to tell Chris and Phichit,” Yuuri said.

“Shall we wait a little longer? Those two will just take over everything and declare themselves best men, and we won’t have a single say on anything,” Victor whined.

Yuuri laughed.  
  


_______________________________________  
  


Yuuri was laughing, a sound so pure and full of life that resounded in the empty swimming pool, and Victor felt his heart soaring with it. He could listen to Yuuri laughing his whole life and never be tired of it.   
Victor felt his heart missing a beat when he realised it was exactly what was going to happen. 

He had been terrified when he had put his plan into motion: Victor knew Yuuri loved him, but he didn’t know if his beloved was willing to take it to the next level. They had never really talked about it apart for some teasing words from time to time.   
Victor couldn’t quite believe yet that Yuuri was going to marry him. How could he be so lucky to have such a beautiful soul willing to spend his life with him? 

Victor had often wondered if he could love the man more than he was already doing. It seemed impossible. But the answer was right there in front of him now, with the love of his life in his arms, golden bands adorning their fingers and a promise of even more happiness to come. 

Yes, he could definitely love him more and more.

Victor stopped Yuuri’s laughter with a kiss, transforming it in a happy, soft humming that vibrated in all its being. His next words came out in an adoring tone, breathed on Yuuri’s lips.

“I love you, Yuuri Nikiforov.”

Yuuri’s smile could darken the sun.

“I love you, Victor Katsuki.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously can't believe it's finished.  
> It seems like yesterday that I have started writing it, and now it's completed and published.  
> This story will always have a special place in my heart, and I can't help but feel proud to have challenged myself in writing it and also made it public.  
> I'm so very thankful for every kudo and for every comment: the simple fact someone took time to write about how they felt after reading the chapters fills me with such joy. I hope reading Waves has given you even half the joy and feels it has given to me while writing.
> 
> This chapter wasn't beta-ed, so it's all on me :) Thank you for bearing with my English as well.
> 
> Feel free to write comments: I would very much love to hear what you think.  
> And thank you so much for joining me on this journey.


End file.
